I saw T today. I haven't been able to go much lately and have had long breaks between sessions - usually between 7 and 11 days. We've worked on staying connected between sessions, with e-mails and a phone call here and there, but somehow, there is still this distance between us.

Today, my session started out well...I had lots of happy news to tell him, and I did tell him, and we celebrated a little.

And then things got hard.

We had a horrible, horrible 4 months at the beginning of the year, and I *know* T wants to put it behind us, and I do too, SO much, but I see him so infrequently that there is a lot of time for the insecurities created by that time to rear their heads. That's kind of the place I've been in for a few days - feeling insecure - and T said something today that made it SO much worse and made me realize that this might be something my therapy actually can't recover from, no matter how much T and I want it all to just be better.

I have worked SO hard through all of the things that happened...I worked so hard to be honest and open, even when it was hard and embarrassing, to be present even when I wanted to dissociate, to keep showing up even when I wanted to run away. I worked hard to own my own part in everything that happened. I apologized when an apology was needed. I read and wrote a lot, I contacted other Ts to try to get help with the relationship. I honestly did everything I could...and what makes me sad is that even with all of that, I don't know that everything will ever really be okay again.

I was so honest with T about all of this today. I cried and cried and cried and cried, and at one point when I looked up from the pillow where I'd buried my face, T was crying too. He said that he felt so sad and that he cares so deeply for me. I said I was sorry and he said he was sorry too. It was so intimate and so painful.

I asked T to sit with me, and I held his hand and leaned my head on his arm and he rested his head on top of mine. He said he really heard how much pain therapy is causing me. We talked about having a pet that you love so much, and realizing that it's finally time to let that pet go....and how this is maybe like that.

T said that he doesn't want today to be the last session - that he wants time to reflect, to talk about what worked and what didn't, to find closure. So we scheduled a session for June 5, after we are both back from our vacations.

We said a prayer that we would know the right thing to do.

I am really sad, but trying to move forward because we are leaving for a vacation tomorrow that I've really be looking forward to.