First, please don't beat yourself up and stay stuck in those bad feelings of 'why you did it' after not doing this for awhile..It really does take a lot of Practice and our brain has a way of running on automatic where it can jump back to old 'habits' so easily if we don't practice new good habits whether it be meditation, relaxation, deep breathing ...on a continuous basis.. be kind to yourself, do nice things for yourself, do a lot of good 'self-care' and really practice what you have learned over the years that Does help through emotional upheavals.. you have a lot of great support here and I think it's great that you reached out ... Take good care and please be patient with yourself too..