After - despite some wobbles - a few better months earlier this year, I am crashing again. I can't allow this to continue, as I can't get to the place I was in last year for so many months and it's getting dangerously close to that. That was scary, hopeless, desperate etc.

I have tried to change certain things in my life (the ones that I can change) so I thought I try and put myself out there and do some Internet and another form of dating. Well, it was interesting even if nerve-wrecking to start with and meeting up with a couple of men, go for walks, coffees, to art galleries etc made me feel truly alive and excited. Things were starting to feel better.
My wish to be with someone has been strong so I took things further with someone before realising that I, once again, felt panicky soon after things became more intimate and pushed the other person away and also that I was chasing a dream and, whilst liking a lot about the other person, didn't really like him enough for where things were going. So I ended things, felt bad for him, as he had bad experiences with relationships before, bad about myself for having done this and for avoiding and rejecting another person and having also lost a relationship that I could maybe finally have.

That whole situation left me weepy, tense and angry at work and I started snapping again at people and once again had words with my line manager.
She then said to me that some of my work was shoddy, she has to make sure that I am up for the work appropriate for my grade and that I don't get the basics right. This hurt me more than I can express in words. Work / studies have always been important to me, especially because I didn't have relationships as a balance. I always tried to do my best. I wonder whether she said this partly because she was angry in turn with me, but my confidence in myself and my abilities is now totally undermined and I have now been signed off sick by my GP for a few weeks. On the one hand that gives me time to put myself back together, on the other hand I feel useless and restless and anxious without going to work and also totally isolated at home. I might be risking my job, especially when I left a message on the work answering machine saying that there is no point in me coming in if my work is considered not good enough.

I'm not sure what to do from here. My personal life is back to having nobody, my work life is under serious threat and my restlessness and anxiety are soaring sky-high. I try to exercise and will also try and practise some things we covered in my mindfulness meditation class, otherwise I'm going to lose my sanity.

Sorry the post is so long. Thanks for listening. Sometimes it's good to write things all down. I wish I could have written something more positive and inspiring after having been quite a bit better for a few months.