So I am not sure quite how much sense this will make but I'll do my best. Basically though I find myself just wanting to give into the pain and the anger just let it take over. It disturbs me because when I do that I tend to get kinda self destructive and am more likely to do stupid/dangerous things.

I mean I get that numb feeling and then things feel pointless and I say 'f**** it.' and well that's not good. I don't want to fall into that trap like I have before, but just not sure how to avoid it. I mean I hate feeling so weak, when I get a rush of energy from getting set off as terrible as it is.....sometimes I just want to give into it instead of trying to hold back. I mean its like I am just drifting into a very dark place mentally and walling up the exit which only further isolates me and makes it hard to even see anything worth really holding onto. I guess I am afriad of how I'll end up I mean I just don't know anymore. Does anyone relate to this? or have any advice on it?...I can honestly say sometimes I am afraid of myself. Not entirely this is all the PTSD but I Know that is a large part of this.

Oh I failed to mention I sometimes wonder if its not already too late, I mean its not as though I had a decent life and the PTSD shattered it, its more like it shattered what was left of my determination and what little hope I might have still had. I mean I have to laugh when I write or type out my middle name that happens to be Hope, and I find it ironic. I mean its like I hold on to who I think I am but I don't really know how well I really know myself.