I don't know what happened to me.

I found these forums last year. I was in therapy and newly sober. With the help of PC, I made it through early sobriety, T vacations, and intense moments. I made it to 14 months sober but then I got really drunk one night, tried to kill myself, then drove an hour to an ER. I spent a week on the psych ward. I hoped that I could get sober again, but I haven't been able to.

My relationship with T has been stressful. I have tried firing her but have come back right away. I don't want to get close to her. I have secrets that I can't tell her. I can't be honest with anyone in my life about how miserable I feel.

Now, I'm alone in a hotel room again.. drinking and pitying myself. I am sad. Having sui and si thoughts. (But am safe right now.) I wish I could convey to my T how dark my mind gets. I wish I could get help. I feel unhelpable. I feel alone. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way.

I'm just looking for some comfort to get me through the next couple of days. I don't have anywhere to turn.. I'm not good at talking about these feelings IRL. Does anyone else have that problem? Is there anything anyone can say to help?