Is there any way you can channel that energy? I am interpreting what you say to mean that you fear losing control if you give into your emotions? IMO I don't think repressing those emotions is healthy. Sounds like you're fighting yourself, as your body/mind/emotions is wanting to express itself (release things) and you're denying it because you feel that it is destructive or unacceptable or weak. My suggestion would be to channel it... either through exercise, a punching bag, screaming into pillows...something that doesn't require you do project your stuff onto other people (hurt other people), but allows you to get it out of your system. It surfaces in the first to get out... a physiological response to process your stuff.

A further explanation on what I mean on the main site...
13. Sublimation

Sublimation is simply the channeling of unacceptable impulses, thoughts and emotions into more acceptable ones. For instance, when a person has sexual impulses they would like not to act upon, they may instead focus on rigorous exercise. Refocusing such unacceptable or harmful impulses into productive use helps a person channel energy that otherwise would be lost or used in a manner that might cause the person more anxiety.

Sublimation can also be done with humor or fantasy. Humor, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable impulses or thoughts into a light-hearted story or joke. Humor reduces the intensity of a situation, and places a cushion of laughter between the person and the impulses. Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. For example, imagining one’s ultimate career goals can be helpful when one experiences temporary setbacks in academic achievement. Both can help a person look at a situation in a different way, or focus on aspects of the situation not previously explored.

You sound pretty resilient to me. Hope is a nice name