Thanks for the replies
It feels good to be heard.
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Originally Posted by Readytostop
But just a thought like devil's advocate here... do you think that you have spent so much time trying to "process this issue" (and this might be totally off the wall since I have no idea what happened) that you haven't let yourself see how the relationship could be different... Like maybe you have been trying to get the relationship back to where it was but it won't ever be that again. Well you will never get "this" relationship with another T either.. because a relationship is between 2 people and their personalities is what makes it unique... So no matter whether you stay with your T or not you will not have the past relationship with your T...but you could have a new one...
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I think this has been our goal...not to have our "old" relationship, but to build a "new" one...but it's SO painful that I'm not sure it's worth it. I really do think it's time to move on. I think T really gets it, and agrees, but we're both really sad. It's such a strange place to be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiritRunner
I wonder if in some ways the emotional bond between you and T has gotten so deep that it in effect can hinder, is hindering, the effectiveness of your therapy?
And by this I do not mean that it has been wrong for there to be such a deep emotional, loving connection because I think that has been vital for you to have that in order to do work that you've done and to heal ..... just that in some ways, there is so much going on in the relationship now emotionally that it's getting in the way of therapy.
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I do think that our "human-ness" got in the way. T had a very human reaction to the situation we found ourselves in for the past few months, and he made some mistakes. I love that my T shows his human side - I couldn't do therapy otherwise - but I just think some things happened that I can't get past. It doesn't undo the love, or our work together, or the healing...all of that is still real...but I do think it's made it so I can't move forward.
I've decided that I want this process to take as many sessions as it takes, for both T and I to feel like we honored our relationship and all of the work we did together. I was thinking that June 5 would be my last session, but now I think that it will take 3 or 4 sessions to wrap it up. I want to talk about the past 4 1/2 years, what was good, what was bad, how I've healed, how I'll manage without therapy, and I want to do something symbolic with T...maybe create art for each other or something.
I know it will all be okay, and I will be okay. I know that because of T I really do have the support I need in real life to get through this. I know that I'll be able to hold on to all of the things that were so good and so healing...AND I know that it's going to be sad, and I really never expected it to end this way.