I havent written in a while now. I have read my old posts and I seem so supportive anfd friendly. I seem so `normal' Im in big trouble mind wise now.

Im reacting to everything around me. Im depressed because of my circumstances. I have to work a few jobs for money, my bosses are manipulative patronising bastards that love my hard work and want me to stay in this lonely isolated town for whatever selfish reasons they have. They are like the big sisters you just dont need in your life. Full of good advice and clever comments. They have edged themselves into my personal life, made themself more than employers from the start..hey how do you say no to a nw boss when they invite you to stay for a drink? and then on to a trip to buy stock, that leads to shopping, then theres helping with their kids and cleaning their home and so on and so on (all done in a could you just for a minute or hey would you do this then we could go to etc)They arent my friends, they just created a relationship that suited them and was on their terms because Im a good worker, they get good value for money as Im a keyholder and totally responsible, left to it most of the time in both jobs. They are both big arty drama types that know how to act. Larger than life with big ego. Im me, straight, open and dumb.

My landlord is a woman hating control freak. His ex went off with another man. He lives in the house, has his children round all the time, lives like im not there. If he wants to use the kitchen from 4-7, he will do it(yes it takes him that long-hes a wannabe chef) If he wants to use the washer and keep his washing in there he will do it. If he didnt want the heating on then he would turn it off. if he wants to use the washing line for the entire weekend, thats what he does. I come home sometimes, peopled out from my work and theres a hundred of them in the house, every door open. Its like living with a tribe. He a sociable people pleaser. Everyone is buddy, mate, pal. He is always doing something and never sits still. consequently he forgets important things like locking doors and closing windows!! its not nice to come in to a door with the key in it, on the outside. He works nights so i come in late and find the house empty door open. I have been scared a few times. 3 hrs ago I had a row with him when i asked him to share the washing linewith our washing today(I asserted myself) He came after me and bawled at me that he will do as he wants in his house..in front of his children. I shouted back with my points but then cried my heart out after. i cant deal with people anymore. I shouldnt have to do this I know. I expect not to be invisible. Im paying to live there.

One of my bosses was jealous of my friendship with another worker and split us up, gave her a new person to work with. took me out for a meal which the others found out about and since then ive lost my friend as they think im an enemy as no one likes this boss. Its hurt me so much . We were like sisters but i havent and wont say anything to the ex friend.

My bf ive just finished with used me for material things, cleverly. Then i found out he was engaged. I swing in and out of feeling like im not a good enough woman.

I feel powerless and stuck. The peolple around me are destroying me. Im prone to depression since a teenager. For 20+ yrs ive battled bouts of it. Never did i start to not look people in the eye when talking. I am even talking and just stop and walk off. This is surely a sign its serious. it worries me so much that i cant look at people, thats why i say meltdown. Im so exhausted by interacting I just cant. I want to leave my jobs that have a social factor to them and go and work in a factory, the repetitive work with no dialogue is what i need. no time for game playing I HOPE. Or work picking vegtables, anywhere i will be at a distance or not required to interact.

I cry so much. I am a compssionate person, i have empathy. I cant carry on like this. I focus on the state of the world, its important to me. I know others suffer so badly and i keep this in mind as my spur to put up with my situations. I have tried to get a job in a city 11 miles away but employers prefer those close to them esp if u rely on public transport. I hope if i break free from this town i will slowly be ok.

Im v sorry to go on but there was alot to say

Thanks for taking time to read x