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Originally Posted by beauflow
Hellion 
i do that a lot with different sorts of situations and emotions.... I try to remind myself-- as you mention-- **** IT!! does not really solve things with some situations... Unless of course I am "letting go of something that needs to be let go of".. which then it is rationalized in my twisted head to make it more positive than the **** it. |
Yeah exactly, I've gotten into some not so great situations with the whole 'f*** it.' mindset, because its not in the good way like letting go of something that needs to be.
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I am not fully following this one- partially am I think-
I can feel weak when i feel like I am losing or taring apart with conflict with things: "emotions" i suppose you could call them -- Also with thoughts- I.e. Right now with my issues i am at times confused with what is "right" or "wrong" or if both are grey and none are to the extreme. I get told to remind myself to not really take the outsiders in-- to listen to my heart, my logical side, and what does that tell me... don't get so down and out basically if others' disagree.
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Yeah that is what I mean, I just hate that emotions or whatever I feel can be intense enough to make me have to sit in a corner as if there will be impending doom any minute for instance...I mean does not do a lot for my self esteem I guess. But sometimes when I get set off it goes beyond that sort of thing and I'll start getting rather agressive about it like trying to fight it or whatever like instead of hide or get the hell out mode I go into fight to the death mode(maybe not literally but that is the best comparison I can come up with).
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I can get to a point with myself with-- I will always be a messed up person due to my past, due to all the things, There is no "cure" for someone like me...... I get this way from time to time- I am not sure if this is like your giving in and isolation- but it does isolate me and I begin to put up walls.. It is negative-- I have trouble at times getting out of this, but some how some thing in me says- Ya know- I am trying, I am not as worse as some people in my past, I am in ways smarter than others in my past as well.... And i can flip to the side of those mother****ers that ****ed me over have ****ed over my life!! Lot of anger-- but ya know it is important to know-- anger is not bad- I have to tell myself that constantly-- anger is an emotion, and yeah what does it mean is what it is to figure out-- validation, lack of caring, etc.... I am still working on things, but I hope one day to have more clarity.
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Well to be honest I am pretty convinced there is no cure or anything for the PTSD or my other issues, hence I'll probably always be a messed up person...I guess I am kind of trying to accept that as I don't see it changing anytime soon...but I guess I haven't totally given up on life yet since I'm still here well in the physical sense sometimes the in the mental sense can be debatable.
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That third tid bit on me can relate to your thinking of it is already too late as well--
Ya know-A part of me thinks: I don't think it is ever too late as long as with in some time things are realized and worked on- I don't mean to once again use my father as an example (have a few time here recently in other threads)- he is product of a lot of my pain coupled with much more other things; HOWEVER-- I saw as I got older and he got older he did grow--- at least there was one day he granted permission to have emotions... In his 60's he told me that he saw so much of him in me, and that he wished that I would be able to talk more and get my emotions out rather then keeping them all to myself, as he did...... He wished me to be better.... I try, it is a struggle-- I can get despaired with it all as well; but some times all we can do is try... that is what I tell me...
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Yeah trying and failing seems to be all I can do, I mean it seems it always comes with failing...like I'm just trying to simply live and I feel I kind of fail at life. I mean its kinda depressing it seems my only option is SSI...if I can even get approved.
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I am sorry if that is not helpful but it is worth a shot- I some times feel I am an odd ball with things so I can understand if i missed the whole picture. But at any rate hugsto you It may be a struggle but ya know- perhaps hope is what keeps us going with getting better, and the trying and seeing progress as time goes by helps with that hope to keep alive.. maybe? I know at times I can lose hope, I can refuse to see the progress or feel like reverting- none the less- ya get back up to try again I think due to many are strong to- even though at times we may believe we are weak.. I am sorry if I sound contradicting but I can be a tetor totter  with which side am I on with what I think or feel....
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Also I don't see any progress, I mean it seems like there is more of the opposite...as for hope I seriously don't have much of that, I mean I really don't think anything will work out or that anything will improve...as much as I might attempt to tell myself that. I guess I am not very good at optimism.
Anyways it helps some just talking about it so thanks for your input.