Thanks everyone....it means a lot to get some feedback and feel supported.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am embarrassed for feeling those feelings. Makes me hate therapy SO much. I recall all the relationships I've had in my life, and all the turmoil...yet THIS is what is painful. I hate that the therapy relationship is one that triggers all sorts of yuck, the sensitivity....blech. HATE it.

....And it's a huge reality check for me. While I agonize about it, T is probably seeing other clients who are pawning over him, enjoying the intimate relationships that he has with other clients, then goes home to his family where his life is fulfilling. Not even batting an eyelash about this at all....

...Add to that the reality of my financial situation....it just makes it very, very clear that the thing I need to do is stop the bleeding....stop all unnecessary expenses, including therapy....as impossible and painful as it feels.

I thought, hmm, maybe we can go to 2x/month....but I know me. I struggle to regain the connection with T when seeing him 1x/week (and once in group T each week) and have incredible difficulty getting to a place where real work can be done, due to my strong resistance. Letting two weeks pass in between sessions would not be a worthwhile effort.

I hate that I'm thinking about all of this right now. But the bleeding has gone on too long. What's it going to take before I take action? Losing my house? It's getting close to that as it is.....

I hate therapy. I hate this life. I hate it all.....