I feel like I just need to get my thoughts down because I have no one else to talk to right now.

I have a friend I talk to everyday and it has really meant a lot to me. I was very depressed a few months ago, but knowing that I had this to look forward to gave me a lot of hope and made me feel so much better. For me, knowing that I have at least one friend in my life is more than I could ever ask for.

A few days ago she mentioned (and not for the first time) that I should have more friends because there is a "void that she can't fill" and "this is no way to live your life." And she thinks she should have more friends too. I never had an issue with any of this and I'm not exactly sure what she expects me to do because I can't really control who I meet and who I like and I'm not one to just randomly approach a stranger and say hi. She said I should just put myself out there and not push people away (which I will admit I do sometimes). I just nodded along, but I couldn't help but feel kind of strange about the conversation.

She was supposed to pick something up from me on Thursday and drop something off for me too. I told her she could come after I got home and she said she'd let me know. She never did let me know. It wasn't until I asked here where she was that she said she'd come by "tomorrow." Well tomorrow came and went and nothing. Again it wasn't until I asked that she said she'll come "soon." We also haven't talked to each other since Wednesday so I asked where she's been and she said "I've been here, just not on the computer." And today came and went and we've had absolutely no contact at all. I just thought it was unusual because we do talk everyday. Sure there have been times when we didn't but that was because she had gone out or she was busy and she still got back to me the next day or something.

I don't know what I should be feeling, if I should be upset or just whatever about it. There have also been times where I just felt like I was being tossed away because it was inconvenient for her. We used to hang out every week and at one point she said she doesn't want to anymore and wants to hang out with someone else and it would be unreasonsable for me to be upset about it (although that didn't really last very long and we went back to hanging out after that). Then there were times when I'd be waiting for her and she'd be so busy talking to someone else that I had to wait a really long time before we could get going.

I've been trying to convince myself that I'm just overreacting and that I have extremely weird expectations. Those are things I would never do myself (I wouldn't keep her waiting or tell her I no longer want to hang out with her during the time we set aside for each other, or things like that), but I shouldn't expect anyone else to do the same. I've done my best to be there for her, answering her messages as soon as I could, helping her out whenever she needed to, just being there for her, and so on. But sometimes I can't help but feel like no one would ever do the same for me, like if it happens to be inconvenient for them they won't bother with it. And I feel like I'm worthless or being taken advantage of. Maybe I'm just annoying and people get sick of me, I don't know. I realize people don't answer their messages as fast as I do or things like that, but is it too much to expect someone to let me know if they're not coming by?

I never wanted to bring anything up because in my past experiences, I've lost too many "friendships" over stupid things that I feel like it's not worth risking. I also know she wouldn't see it from my side and would just say that I'm overreacting or that it's unreasonable to expect her to always be there or something like that. Besides these incidents, when we hang out or talk I really do have a great time and I feel like everything is fine and things couldn't be better. But when things like this happen, it makes me wonder. It could just be in my imagination and my depression talking, but I can't stop thinking this way.

I'm not sure if I should be hopeful, be the one to contact her (I'm usually not, she usually contacts me), and think that it's no big deal and things will go back to normal...or if I should just give up and try to move on. I don't want to give up on this because like I said when we have a great time, it's awesome. And this is all I have left in my life and I don't want to lose it (I don't have any other friends and no family). It would hurt more than anything. But if I'm not important to her, why should she be to me?

I just don't know...Maybe eventually this will be like everyone else and I'll just be forgotten. Or it's all in my head and things will be fine and we'll talk tomorrow or something. That's what I'm telling myself. I just feel awful right now.

That came out longer than I had hoped.. Thank you to anyone who managed to read this far.