Yikes. I can see myself freaking out in this situation. It would be so hard not to become hostile, because I would feel so hurt. So, here's what I know: because I would react that way, and because reacting that way gets me into trouble not only in the actual relationship but also in my own heart and head, I have to shut off caring whether or not she is trying to "do" anything to me. I have to think about what I want to "do" to myself. So, I try very, very hard--and I am very grateful for the time in between appointments because it enforces that I have to do this for myself--to create creative and positive choices for myself. The other person has some problems. It's never clear to me quite what they are (because when those problems affect me, I can't separate what is happening inside me in reaction to their actions from what is actually happening in fact, that is, in phenomenological terms--like, I kicked a rock and it hurt (not the whole train of thought about what the f was I thinking that made me kick a rock anyway and did anyone see me and why can't I find someone to hug me instead of having to go out and find rocks to kick and worms to eat). So, because I have ALL kinds of suspicions about why they do what they do, and because people tend to become exasperated (at best) if I ask them to tell me what every little detail that I noticed means, I've been learning to let them live their lives and to try to figure out how to get my needs met by asking for what I want--like a full appointment's worth of time (not an appointment cut short because of the therapist's own organizational difficulties), and like respect for the fact that while it is uncomfortable and inconvenient for me to have to be some place early because of my transportation arrangements, I have to accept the awkwardness and do it anyway, and like asking for a person to understand that I am sensitive to anything that others pick up on as awkward behavior, especially when I still don't know them well enough to have made a decision about trusting them.

So, I hate it that you're scared and hurt by your therapist's behavior. But I really like it that you're doing the right thing by being in therapy and examining what you are like, how you see things, and what works and what doesn't as you work on making the changes that will make your life more peaceful and understandable. It's the emotional chaos of stuff like this that leaves me shrieking (mostly only in my head these days), and it's the work I've done in therapy that has helped me make some really important changes.

I'm sure it matters that you find a therapist who is a good "fit" for you, but what matters so much more is that you make a commitment to spending time talking out and working on behaviors and thoughts that have been ruining your life--or big parts of it. (I'm speaking for myself here . . . .shouldn't be using "you", I guess.) The therapist, after all, isn't the one who has to do the work. We are. They are people we pay to guide us, and we do deserve to get our money's worth. Still, we have to put one foot in front of the other, day after day, using the insights and tools we get in therapy, while they go off to lunch and pay the chef and the waiter to bring them what they need. I'd like to think that your therapist was hoping that, metaphorically, you would get to sometimes enjoy a leisurely lunch, too--and not have to always worry about whether or not you were "doing what you were supposed to be doing."

But all this is where my head is right now . . . projection, maybe? I hope I'm not too wide of the mark in trying to respond to what you're dealing with. Your story and reaction hit home with me, and maybe we live in the same house.