Maybe it's something in the air or the water, but there seem to be a number of us struggling with that slippery slope of depression. My uncle died last week, I had this horrible phone conversation with my mother, we thought we were going to be able to move away, and then found out last week that for a variety of reasons we're not going to be able to. My mother in law, who I adore and is typically really supportive mentioned that she thinks that I keep "putting" myself into bad situations that make me feel badly -- she mentioned talking to my mother and going to my uncle's funeral specifically.

My uncle used to live where I live now - right next door to where I grew up. He was at our house every day for breakfast and dinner. He saved my puppy from my mother when she was going to shoot it once. He gave me a different puppy later that wouldn't trigger my mother so much (smaller female that wasn't nippy). He played with me and never was weird or sexual. I know for a lot of people that's just kind of an expectation for adults in their lives, but for me, it was a big a deal. How could I not go to the funeral? I felt like I had to go, but it was a huge struggle walking in there knowing that my mother and sister had been telling all of these people lies about me. My mother in law acting like I was bringing the pain upon myself by going was difficult to handle.

At the cemetery, I went over to my father's grave and someone has been leaving unsmoked cigarettes on his grave. For those of you who don't know, he died of lung cancer. He had quit smoking for years, but after my little sister and her husband moved in with my parents, she and her husband kept smoking in front of my dad and started buying him cigarettes. She actually encouraged him to smoke, even after his heart attack. Everyone yelled at me (actually yelled) about how unreasonable I was about smoking and it isn't that bad. Then my dad got lung cancer and they STILL refuse to think it's that bad and no one would quit. and now they're are leaving cigarettes on his grave. I had a totally meltdown, used the F word in a Catholic cemetery and started throwing the cigarettes across the lawn and yanking flowers off the grave to get to the rest of the cigarettes and grind them into dust. Total total meltdown. then I stood there sobbing like an idiot while my husband held me and then helped me put the flowers back on. My mother sat in her car with my sister and watched. She left without speaking to me.

So, I'm back in the abyss. Can hardly get out of bed. My puppy was literally dragging me by the arm yesterday to get me outside. Shepherds are stubborn, weird dogs. Keep thinking about how much better off everyone I know would be without me. Trying to keep in mind that's not really true. My kids are amazing and they love me. They have been cool about the house issue - saying they think it's most important that they won the parents' lottery rather than the money lottery. Really, really nice kids. So. Not sure why I'm posting this except to vent or have a public self pity party. At least I had to get out of bed to come to the computer to type this up instead of lying in bed just using my phone for the internet.