Sometimes even supportive people have their off days, but I wonder if she meant that going to your uncle's funeral was "bad" because it meant being around your mother, not that it was "bad" to grieve your uncle's death. I think you needed to go for yourself and it made perfect sense to me why you would need/want to.

I'm sorry about the negative stuff going on for you right now. It does seem, if I'm picking up the right stuff from your postings, that interactions with your mother really set you back. I spent a few years where I did not speak to anyone in my family, which I what I needed to do to avoid contact with my former abuser. I wouldn't have been able to do the healing that I did during that time without it. I'm not saying that this is what you *should* do, as everyone is different. But I think that what's important is not getting sucked into those old family dynamics where you play a specific role assigned to you by your nutty family. Maybe this can happen while still living next door to them and interacting with them. As my T is fond of saying-- if one person in the family changes, it usually ends up changing the family system. I used to think she was full of it until I saw it happen with my extended family.

Your kids sound like incredibly well-raised people and even your H seems more supportive than usual. All good stuff, hope that the good stuff keeps on coming.