Thanks so much for replying, i didn't think anyone would. I feel so alone with my feelings and i do feel guilty even talking about them to my bf or my therapist because they don't know what to say either, my therapist asks me what should she do, should she say go ahead and do it, should she help me, in a sarcastic/joking sort of way. She asked me on my last appointment why i tell her my feelings about wanting to die and how i might do it or how i might just become self destructive and play russian roullette with my life. I don't know why i tell her or my bf, i guess i want them to know the magnitude of my pain. I feel like they don't get it. My bf tries to ignore every problem there is that is how he deals with things he acts like they are not happening. It drives me crazy. I don't think people really get how horrible it is to hate every second that your awake. I have physical illnesses that i'm trying to manage with medications that have their own side effects and they don't always help and i feel i have no reason to be here, no purpose. I'm poor and on disability and i feel stuck in my life. I don't feel able to work, i couldn't focus on anything, i can't focus on anything now. I barely want to take a shower and get dressed. Sometimes i feel to sick to even do that. But i look ok so i know people would be wondering why am i on disability. I don't tell anyone. I've told 2 people besides my bf and therapist. I'm ashamed. Ashamed of myself and my life. I know depression does put you in a negative state and my bf keeps telling me that its my depression that is talking, that is making me feel the way i do. What am i supposed to do about that because the meds are not making me want to wake up and do things, my meds are not making me happy or even content. What am i supposed to do just be miserable. I can't even have peace in my own home because of a problem with the people upstairs i won't even get into because i've already vented about that on this site and i don't even want to bring that up again. But i can't be at peace in my home, i have no car to get out and get away and i don't feel well alot of the time to take public transportation to get away. I don't like the area where i live and i don't get along with or like my bf's family who live nearby and call incessantly, come by unannounced and are always wanting something. Thats why i want to move so that i don't have to worry about being bothered with them. I want to have peace but i don't feel i can afford to move. I am thinking about trying to move to a disability apartment but then i'd be alone with my thoughts and i wouldn't have to worry about my bf finding me. That is what is keeping me from doing anything, the fact he would find me. I know nobody knows what to say and i know alot of you understand where i'm coming from. It does help just to here someone say i understand and i'm sorry or just anything. And this is not a suicide post i am just talking about how i feel. Right now i am not planning on taking my life.