Hey,
I'm Sorry. Sorry that you have been delt such a bad hand and that you have not found the support you need to deal with it. But you have people here for you. Family isn't always those who are related to us by blood. You reached out here, and people have responded to you and want to help you. We don't know you but we all want to be a source of support for you. therapy will help...it takes time, have patience but you will get there. I know you want to be done, and give up with everything...but for now just hold on. You have help on for this long. Just hold on for a few months and then see how things improve...and they should improve, and if they do...make a deal to hold on a little longer. just keep holding on and seeking help and leaning on those who want to be there for you until things pick up...they will...life moves forward and these feelings of helplessness will pass. And know that death does not equal relief...that comes with time and effort while living to make progress and overcome your struggles. you are strong....look at everything you have been able to get through...abuse, dealing with identity problems, friend problems, but you are still here...and if you can come through it...you will be stronger. lean on the people here for a while...continue with the professional help, and then who knows what your life has for you...and who knows what is to come of the guy that you have been talking to but can't meet....just hold on...hold on and show up to therapy and keep talking