My mother, 87, is dying or perhaps I should say she is killing herself. She was diagnosed with cardiopulmonary disease and black lung in 2008 after a lifetime of smoking.

Which she continues to do, then points to her medications and says that's what is making her breathless. She has been in the ER several times this month, gets the oxygen she needs, then checks herself out without getting the food and bath and tests she needs. She refuses to sign her medical proxy and one of these trips to the ER will result in her being declared incompetent and a ward of the state.

She calls me crying for help one minute; then when I say things she doesn't want to hear, has an aunt call and tell me to leave her alone.

She was a highly critical mother. Creating a more stable self-concept has been the major project of my life. In recent years with the help of a therapist, mom and I had a better relationship.

But now we are back to "My son is the one who thinks like I do" -- a son who told this frail, very ill old woman that he "washes his hands" of the situation. Even though I know she is not responsible for her behavior at this stage, feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough.

As well, my aunts whom I love, her sisters, hint that I should be spending more time with mom and doing more to help her -- even it stinks of ciggies in that apartment and even they cannot stand to be there for too long.

To add to the overall chaos, fear, and overwhelming emotions, two of my income streams dried up abruptly this month. The loss is significant and worrisome. Is their loss my fault? Maybe, maybe not. But it sure adds to those feelings of inadequacy.

I have some older friends, but I don't want to repeat how badly I feel over and over. Once should do it.

I am lonely. I find it hard to make friends. When I meet new people, I feel as if the conversation is superficial, and I have trouble getting past that stage. Everything was easier when I was young and drinking -- and it has been decades since that was over for me. Sometimes I am very cranky possibly because of chronic fatigue and pain, and having to work a couple of jobs and long hours, but maybe I am just a cranky old bag.