I have a different Dx; however, there was a point to where I did feel very "broken". I was unsure that I would ever be the same. And that the damage was irreparable; however, after separating myself from my abuser(s), becoming more self-reliant and not beating myself up any more, things started to slowly get better. Inch by inch. Step by step.

I am not perfect by any means and I have a ways to go; BUT the good news is that I am healthier version of myself and I realize that I don't have to live up to anyone's standards or values but my own (which are pretty darn good thanks to nature and my upbringing regarding social manners and the golden rule)

Also I am not looking for forgiveness or pats on the back from my abuser(s) or people in my life that helped keep me down. I am looking within and shining from a place that always existed. The light had been ALMOST extinguished because I believed all the ******** the horrible people in my life fed me. They tried their best, but there was a teeny part of me that wanted to live that was greater than their desire to get rid of me.

Now, I listen to me. I trust myself. And am more gentle and kind to myself. And have separated myself completely from the monsters. They can no longer hurt me. They are memories.

And I am doing just fine on my own - starting from scratch. I, in fact, like this version of myself so much better than just SELLING OUT AND GOING BACK TO WHAT IS FAMILIAR. that isn't ok anymore. Despite all the material stuff and money and cars and clothes.

The sacrifice (my self esteem and beautiful shining light) isn't worth it.

I look for validation and love and kindness and understanding and peace from within myself, my T, other healthy people in my life.

I am NOT defaulting to old behavior so I have some security. I absolutely refuse. I will not sell my soul one more second so I can have "things".

Sure it is scary. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I find that I have more courage now and am braver than I ever have been.

All those crazy people are in my past. And they can stay there. It's all about me and looking forward...And there is much to look forward to.

You can do it too if you want to.

But it's up to you Dear ((((Bow)))). You can be brave and face yourself and your demons with your T and group and keep moving forward and up.

Or you can continue to try to get validation from those things in the past that hurt you in the first place and spiral back down to that lower place in the gutter.

And you can give yourself credit where credit is do.

Wishing you all the best.