Thanks you guys i appreciate your support, you have no idea how helpful that is to have someone just acknowledge your pain. I see my T once a week and this week i won't see her because i see her on mondays and its memorial day. I really feel like i need to see her more than once a week but she is booked, she has no other openings unless someone cancels. Plus i'm not sure if my insurance will pay for 2 visits a week if i were to do that. As it is i never pay the 35 dollar copay every week and i'm being billed for them. I really can't afford it. I go to the doctors alot and i have pay them too and they won't bill me. I'm trying to get help paying my copays. I guess i should be glad i can even go. I'm thankful for the disability it really helps because i was really ready to end it when i had no money coming in. However now i feel like i'm going to be on it forever and will never go back to having a normal life so to speak, of going to work and having friends and a car and a life. I withdraw from everyone because i don't want to talk about my life, i don't want them asking me about if i'm working. I am taking pristiq and have been on that for well over a year and the hospital gives me that through a program they have, i get samples. My insurance co pay for it would be $84. Cymbalta would be $84 also because i thought of trying that. I don't know if they have samples of that. I feel like medicine won't work because i'm unhappy in my life. I have to many stressors and too many things to be concerned about. I really need to be on my own and i'm afraid to do that. I don't think i'll make it. I think i would just end it then. I'm not close to my family i don't see or talk to them often, they live in another state just 2 hours away. I don't have children. I worry about getting older. My parents are deceased. I just don't feel i have anything to be happy about. I tried to positive once after reading a book about it and it didn't last long. When i think of my situation and the reality of it i can't help but get discouraged. I know it irritates people. I don't want to irritate people either. I don't know what the answer is, i truly don't i just know i don't want to live like this anymore.