when driving to work- an old song came on the radio- Bush-glycerine ( <--Song on youtube).. for some reason- and I know it has to do with recent things- but I was like- why don't more people do drugs, why did I ever stop for real ("real" i should really put due to see the bottom)... Wouldn't it be better to live in the just numbing effect then all this pain that i have that feels ever so real..... I realize this is just me wanting to escape- have had a lot of triggers lately in life, been over whelmed and I just am tired of it... if I can't end it through the death, why not numb it with a drug...

I have not been drinking or doing hard core drugs-- so a plus.... well I will be honest, I have smoked two hits of pot this month but that is not nearly enough to say I am an addicted to pot- two puffs one day have not continued it... and I know many frown upon that but in reality it did give me insight on some things.... actually took some stuff and said to myself-- maybe you are not always the problem like you believe to be.. sorry I talk to myself in third person a lot, but yeh- you = me here....
Any who.. I have been sober "pot free" for over two weeks or more, and still more crap has been coming... and even stuff that was not contributed to the pot- so- yeah

Now I went and got a tattoo- like yeah! REAL Pain in a "good way"!! at least I am not cutting myself and have something symbolic now on my arm....

I know-- this too shall pass with much.... i just get so overwhelmed- it is like when it rains in pours... and I am just fed up- I need a vacation- away from myself some times I think.