(((Cotton ball))),
I so hear what you are trying to say here. The past few days since Saturday morning was so challenging for me. And yesterday too much came right up in my face and today I am SOOO exhausted. And in the mix was an incredible amount of anger coming out of me and then I hear this word from you and unhappyguy and 1982 and it lies deep within myself as well.
Saturday morning my daughter called all upset and talked to my husband. Her boyfriend is a binge alcoholic (just like her father was) and though she put her foot down and they got an old farmhouse and she worked SO hard to fix it up and she was getting it just so charming, he went out and slipped. She didn't know where he was when she called and she was hysterical. And I know exactly what she was feeling, I could run it through my mind, the stages that take placed when this happens.
The first thing is a kind of shock, and then comes anger, and theres fear and an abandonment as well. Then even though you are overwhelmed with emotion the first thing that needs to take place is you have to find them, just so you know they are somehow safe, because after all YOU DO LOVE THEM. And then when you see them, somewhere passed out, in her case he was naked on someones couch where everyone could see him. Well, then you want to make sure they can wake up, and then when they do that, YOU CAN FEEL ALL THE OTHER FEELINGS, the embarassment, the incredible anger, the lies and how it makes you feel SO INCREDIBLY BETRAYED. And then there is such a loss of WHAT TO DO AND YET YOU JUST WANT TO RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THEM AND ALL THE PAIN THEY CAUSE, BUT THERE IS THE ONE THING THAT HOLDS YOU BACK, "LOVE".
My daughter came running home and I was in the shower when she came because I had to get ready to do some jobs and I CANNOT JUST CALL IN SICK when I work.
I looked out the window and could see my husband holding her tight in his arms and
she was just crying and crying. And I knew to the depths of me EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS FEELING. But I could not allow myself to go there because I had to keep it together so I could work. And I think you all know that with PTSD it is very hard to shut out the memories that are so upsetting. I don't even know how I managed, because I was shaking and struggling.
She ended up spending the day with a friend looking for a place to live. She had her and her boyfriends dog with her, well she gave this dog to him as a birthday present as a puppy. But this dog was never his, it completely imprinted with my daughter.
And WOW did this black lab inprint with my daughter. I wish you could see it, it copies her facial expressions, and it even bears its teeth in a smile JUST LIKE SHE DOES WHEN SHE INTERACTS WITH IT. Wow I never saw such a strong bonding.
And when her boyfriend talked to her, he wanted the dog and threatened to call the police to get it. That too was a reminder to me that when we share an additional life with an alcoholic, sadly they can have rights, even when they are truely irresponsible.
My daughter stayed with a good friend and came by again yesterday. It was the first time we really a holiday together as a family in over a year. And my daughter was so lost and morning that she was going to lose this farmhouse that she put so much work into to make it a home. And it was so hard to comfort her because I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE IF FEELING. But it felt good to be there for my child as well and I was strong for her.
Then we took her down over to the pond and the dog was swimming and we were enjoying ourselves. And suddenly my negligent neighbor appeared, the man that caused so much damaged to my family and my life. He was asking about the dog, wanting to make sure it wasn't HIS dog trespassing again. But he has people over and the dog he was talking about it no longer alive. So it was clear to me that he just wanted to rattle my cage somehow.
Well, I could feel the RAGE, RAGE, CONSUMING MY BODY AND MY MIND. I had the right to have this time ON MY PROPERTY WITH MY CHILD and WHY IS IT THAT HE HAS TO APPEAR TO DISRUPT THAT "AGAIN". Needless to say I was not friendly to this neighbor AT ALL. And he had some questions and I made it clear he was intruding and that MY LIFE HAS BEEN ALL ABOUT PICKING UP THE PIECES FROM HIS NEGLIGENCE. And he backed down and walked away.
But that didn't stop my RAGE inside and I had to walk away from my daughter and I went up to the barn and went inside to TRY TO GET CONTROL BACK. My daughter doesn't understand PTSD and I WANTED THE DAY TO BE ABOUT HER, NOT MY PTSD.
When I went in the barn I was consumed by so many minni like flashbacks where I could remember every place I was so angry and the other confrontations with abusers.
And I was also SO ANGRY THAT MY HUSBAND WAS NOT THERE AS HE HAD GONE OUT TO PICK UP SOME FOOD FOR DINNER. So AGAIN I HAD BEEN ALONE LIKE SO MANY TIMES I WAS CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY ABUSERS.
I am SO EXHAUSTED TODAY and that word JUSTICE is SO IN FORFRONT OF MY MIND AS WELL. I am so angry that MY NEIGHBOR HAD TO INTERRUPT MY DAY AND MY TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER, BECAUSE HIS NEGLIGENCE CAUSED SO MUCH DAMAGE TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER.
I have not spoken to this man in a year, WHY DID HE HAVE TO INTRUDE ON ME AND MY CHILD YESTERDAY?
I just want a day with MY DAUGHTER AND MY HUSBAND ON OUR FARM, I HAVE THAT RIGHT!!!! And there is this entity there that is INVADING THAT. And THAT HAS HAPPENED MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE, EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
You know it is hard enough to suffer from this dam disorder. To see how hard it was in my life to be happy. And here I was LIVING THE SAME THING the minute I got permission to be happy with my family.
REVENGE? JUSTICE? I cannot really see that right now, I am worn out and tired today. And I hope I am not hijacking this thread.
Open Eyes