I just thought I would say that I got to talk with my therapist via phone instead of going to him, which was such a help. I actually like doing the phone for an hour, I didn't have run around to get to him, it was more relaxing for me, especially today.

My therapist told me that I am squarely in the second stage of my recovery from PTSD. I am more aware of all the triggers and memories now and when something happens like what I am discribing here, I trace it back to other times in my life when I felt the same.

In the first stage of recovery work, we are so taken by these flashbacks and troubling emotions that it takes a while for it all to come forward. I have talked about this too and in my own discription I have told others the importance of getting all the cards on the table in therapy. For those who have experienced CSA that can be hard to retrieve or put on that table, I know it has been hard for me. But the goal is to do your best to get things out there, even if you feel embarassed, because once you do, resolve can begin. And I will remind again, being kind to yourself no matter what is crucial.

What we do for each other here, what those have done for me in this thread, is very important and helpful in the recovery work with PTSD. We need each other, because we all can relate and as we do that we establish a safe place that goes beyond whatever we have managed to establish in each of our environments outside PC.

What happened to me was very hard on me this weekend. But the difference from this happening in the first stage of PTSD in comparison to where I am now in my own recovery, is that I now know where everything that upsets me comes from. It is all there, and I did experience that in the barn when I distanced from my daughter to regroup. In the first stage we just deal with emotional duress and confusion and may get intruded on by some flashbacks or memories that make us feel crazy. We are NOT crazy, we have PTSD.

I have realized today that once we can finally intellectualize our history and how it comes out in PTSD, it is much easier to lower the effects of the emotional duress.
So think about this, it would make sense because as human beings we are always afraid of the unknown and when that happens we have troubling emotions. These emotions encourage us to work on discovering a way or resolve somehow so that we can NOT be overwhelmed with emotions.

This strong desire for "JUSTICE" is pretty tricky. But if you really think about it, we are designed to want that. And I happened to watch a special I had seen before on 60 minutes where they have designed a program for the troops called Operation Proper Exit. And I can really see how that would really help with PTSD. And I can see that because of this ongoing lawsuit regarding my neighbor and his negligence, going on for 5 years now?, it has kept me from getting what I really need, that proper exit.

What happened to me yesterday, when my neighbor made it a point to intrude on me and my daughter enjoying her dog, HE KNOWS HE DID WRONG YOU KNOW. And his sudden intrusion on my day, only made that even more raw to me after all this time and torture. And yes I filled with RAGE and if he had continued to push me with his intrusiveness, I might have lost control. And when I retreated to the barn to compose myself, it was really hard, but this time everything came into play going all the way back that showed me WHY THAT RAGE TOOK PLACE. So this time I could actually CONTROL IT and COME DOWN INTO FOCUS AGAIN. So I HAVE gained some ground. But I am still struggling and I sure am tired today.

And I am here sharing what I have just learned in my own recovery process. I was trying to explain it to unhappyguy in his thread, but I just didn't have the right words and I can really sympathize with him.

And Rose?, I was trying to say that to you in your thread as well, but I didn't quite have the right words that would help it click in your mind. Well, I am not really at that point yet, as I am still struggling as well. However all along I have felt that the solution is through gaining on the way to view our struggles intellectually. And I can see that there is a time where we are inbetween in seeing some of the intellectual and yet still crippled by the emotions.

After my therapist listened to me talk today and that I was also crying and emotional, he validated my progress and that is a good therapist and why we cannot do this on our own. It is very important to have a therapist who truely understands TRAMA WORK. Because sometimes we don't see how much we have progressed because the emotional is still there and can be crippling.

Well, I am going up to take a nap because I am exhausted. I didn't sleep very well last night so I began my day exhausted.

Thank you friends for your support.

(((Hugs to ALL))))
Open Eyes