Hi there..I just came across your post and really wanted to respond as I've been through a similar experience.

Two years ago over Xmas I went to visit my parents..I hadn't seen them for a year as I live in a different country. My mothers behaviour had been increasing in dysfunctionality since shed had a heart attack a couple of years earlier. The short of it was..I felt the full force of my mothers behaviour which, although was an extension of her former self..was now extreme. I knew the line had been severely crossed and, unlike my siblings and father, who have normalized it as a coping strategy..decided for my self..my self respect and integrity..knowing very clearly right from wrong..I wasn't going to allow it to continue. The trauma it caused felt significant..I had no contact with them for two years..something that has never happened. I knew deeply that what she was doing..to all my family was wrong. However, I can only control my own behaviour. I knew I had to let go..which I struggled with psychologically and emotionally. I had huge anxiety..sleep problems..pain in my chest for at least a year and a half. I was grieving as I truly believed I would never see my parents again..the last thing my mother had said to me was that in was nothing to her and she didn't want me..I'm 41 years old and, although knowing my mother has had significant issues..love them both deeply. however, i also recognized that I needed to protect myself. Psychologically..I feel I was in the stages of accepting my parents were dead. I had a photo of them by my bed..which was a struggle, but I wanted to remember them..and more importantly, my mother, for the person at her best..a warm, loving, nurturing mother..rather than at her worst..behaviour that was nasty and deliberately vindictive. I guess it's about emotional detachment, and that certainly takes it's toll. However, after about a year..I began to notice a great deal of relief and freedom from the nastiness, judgements, oppression and negativity. When I heard about situations with my mother and my sisters..I was still picking up the pieces..albeit by phone on the other side of the world..I would still feel huge anger..however..huge relief as well. My anger was due to the complete and utter lack of responsibility my mother had for not only her terrible behaviour, but complete lack of acknowledgement at the devastation it continues to cause with my family. My father..who enables her behaviour, whilst simultaneously acknowledges that she hasn't been the same since her heart attack, is the person I'm most worried about. I strongly feel that he will develop depression as anyone would do dealing with such continued chaos an trauma.

With regard to contact, we started to engage over the phone about 6 months ago..after 2-3 terrible abusive phone calls. One day my mother called as though nothing had happened at all..very bizarre indeed. And true to form..you just go with it, not wanting to spoil the situation! My sister and little nieces also live in the same country as I do..and have just returned from visiting my parents for 5 weeks. True to form..she felt the full force of my mothers nastiness the night before she flew back. There were a number of people there to observe it..younger sister..her partner.. My brother and his wife. I always feel better when other people observe her behaviour..I guess it just reconfirms that it's not me. Needless to say, they were all shocked and appalled. It's interesting..as a family..you normalize it. It's only when you step outside your family or other people see it, that you're reminded that it's not normal nor healthy. It's good to have balanced healthy people around you to support you. However, often they are so perplexed as to why you still have anything to do with someone who behaves like that.

The sad thing is, despite having a complete lack of trust or respect now for my mother..I was working up to the idea of going to visit this coming Xmas..but in light of the continued behaviour..towards both my sisters, the though just leaves me feeling cold! Interestingly..my mother has never shown this behaviour to my brother..he has no idea what the rest of us have had to endure. I spoke to my parents today..in the las few months the calls have been good..normal even..however..it will take such a ling time to build any trust. My mother asked if I was going to visit..I just said I had no plans at the moment. I know both my parents will be very upset by that..which upsets me. But I just don't want to put myself in that situation until I feel safe. I do feel that with the emotional detachment I am able to make better decisions for myself and be very firm with my boundaries..something with my parents, I've never been able to do before.

I realize this may sound a bit rambling..but I hope you are able to take something from it. In short, maybe you need to completely emotionally detach from them, before you're able to reconnect with clear boundaries. It's good that you have a healthy family on your husbands side, to remind you as to what's normal!