Here I am, again, feeling sad. I live alone, and I am finding it hard to be home by myself.

I did get a law firm to represent me, and I did file a claim for SSDI. It just went in last month. Now I am living in a kind of terror over what is going to happen to me.

I haven't been looking for a job. What resources I have will run out by the time autumn comes around.

I am on a waiting list to be assigned a case manager at the place where I get my psych care. About a year and a half ago, I did have a case manager there, briefly. She said that I did not seem to need any help and that I should forget about even trying to get SSDI. It seemed to me that she was probably right.

After my last job failure in February, my primary care doctor advised me to apply for SSDI. I was kind of stunned when he came out with that. I had not really discussed my psych issues with him because I see a psychiatrist. But they are both in the same system, and my PCP can read all the notes on me, written by the pdocs at the psych center.

He said that he would be very supportive of me with the SSA. Somehow, I don't think this is going to work out. I just seem too competent in too many ways.

I am very scared. My work as a nurse did not measure up to the standards of the over 13 employers who hired me over the past 15 years. That's all I've ever done. I will be 60 on my next birthday.

When I was 56, I took a course to do something medical oriented that might be less demanding. I can not even do that. During the course, I kept hearing from others that I lacked confidence.

Once upon a time, I was a valued employee.

My only friend is the man I used to live with. That didn't work out, but we stayed close. We are friends. He is still my sig. other, and I am his. He is elderly and poor and could not really help me. He is content living alone. I felt pretty okay living alone when I had a job. Now, I feel like this apartment is a mausoleum. It feels bad to be here by myself.

I have no friends. I have little contact with family. I was socially avoidant as a child, and that has become very characteristic of me in recent years. My sig. other doesn't like to come to my apartment because I don't have the good movie channels. He is handicapped and watching TV is what mainly fills his day. Next month, he will leave town to travel a long way and visit with his adult children and other relatives. I will be here by myself.

With no job to go to, I will be very alone. I am crying here and wondering how did I manage to end up so bad off. I think of every bad, or foolish, thing that I ever did and I think that, somehow, I handled my life so poorly that this is how I now am.

I am afraid that I will lose my apartment in the fall. I am afraid of becoming homeless. When I became involved with an alcoholic man, I never thought that I might someday need someone to help me take care of me. I knew there was no security in my relationship with him, but I thought that I didn't need that. I thought I would be able to work, until I was old enough to collect social security.

I am in the worst predicament of my life. How it will end - I don't know.