I might seem obnoxious, but I know now why the perspective by non-ED's is that ED's are self-obsessed or self-absorbed. I also can't imagine the torture that severe ED's go through on a daily basis. My ED has never been too severe, nor has my mental health. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks back in the day when a housekeeper at the Army hospital where I worked heard me evacuating in a bathroom at midnight. She drug me to the hospital administrator and the ball started rolling from there. I even worked on a psychiatric ward when this all happened. Ironies, that is the most consistent aspect of life. Ironies are everywhere. How God figures into all that probably has to do with exercising and strengthening our mental and spiritual muscles.

I still "struggle" with the binge / purge / restrict issues. But I must be a stubborn sob because I haven't changed...only slowed down. I certainly disagree with the current American height / weight standards. If my weight fell within the prescribed range, I'd never leave the house. Those standards classify me as underweight, but I feel much more confident at the weight I am. If I'm eating healthy fruits and vegetables and drinking plenty of fluids, as well as getting regular exercise, I feel great. My own body tells me when I'm pushing limits. I might have an ED, but I certainly don't feel nearly as at-risk and unhealthy as others I've read about, like you, for instance. Apparently Borderline Personality and Avoidant Personality are often associated with bulimia and anorexia, respectively. That spells trouble and if you're struggling with depression or unstable emotions, I highly recommend you get that treated before you can even begin to figure out why it is you're locked in a mental prison of anorexia. I could almost say that I envy your lack of an appetite, but it would be undermining the suffering you live with on a daily basis. Whenever I've restricted for too long, my brain triggers my appetite and I go through a phase of doubt and confusion. My thoughts during those times: I want to eat normally, but I'll get fat and feel horribly "regular". No, I want to stay thin and lose more weight because I'll feel better about myself. Oh, nobody cares how much you weigh and when has the weight of the world ever rested on your losing one more pound?

These are the questions that run through my mind when my appetite is kicking my butt. Typically, I give in and eat much...and then the guilt and physical discomfort set in. And the only recourse is elimination of the products. Or so my mind dictates. I know I have a choice. I know that there is a moment every time when I decide to go beyond acceptable intake and decide that it will be a binge. It doesn't happen often, but I still find it unhealthily pleasurable. If pleasure weren't involved, I could have quit years ago. The elimination aspect though is the troubling part. I hate being trapped inside a bathroom for two or three or four hours while I make sure every morsel has been removed. Those are the times when I swear it off. I tell myself that if I'm gonna binge, I should tolerate the extreme mental and physical discomfort. But once I'm there again, feeling bloated and overstuffed and miserable, the bathroom calls to me. So easy to eliminate, why not? It's been several days or weeks...it won't hurt. Sometimes I feel like a slave to my appetite and a slave to my fears of being fat. I can't get over the fear. And the high after I undo the damage is a guarantee that I'll return like a dog to its vomit...no pun intended. A binge is too easy to undo; how many mistakes in life can we say that we can undo?

I'm sure my discourse / description will offer condolence to someone / somewhere, but I'm really being selfish and not too empathetic. I'm at home, supposed to be working, procrastinating instead, and I COULD be doing unhealthier things like eating. There are so many things I could be eating and enjoying, but instead, I'm trying to offer solace to the inconsolable. I hope that, as young as you seem to be, you find the answer to your question...the big question. Why. Perhaps "why" is not really the question you should be asking. But "what next". Many many people (the famous, the infamous, the unknown) have accomplished great things in history from the most deplorable, devastating, and depressing points in their lives. Perhaps you will be one of them.