((Tamster))),

I went through that myself, I am sorry because I know that it is very challenging and confusing. All last year I struggled with that, but you have to face it and TALK it all out. Remember Tamster, this experience is not ALL of WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON. You HAVE done other things in your life, you HAVE the ability to do other parts of your life besides this intrusion.

What helped me is I came here a lot and I got to know the other members and posted supportive advice and thoughts in other threads. I didn't just spend all my time on me and the PTSD. And I know that it isn't easy because it is there constantly. I just found that while I WAS in therapy and addressing it, I also gave myself time to think about other things.

Tamster, there are things about you that are good and you need to be reminded of that. And the good in you is still there. It is important that you establish a safe place for yourself. If you have a close family member that is around you a lot and cares I strongly recommend that that person visit your therapist and learn how to support you because the average person truely doesn't understand PTSD and they DO say the wrong things and they just don't know better.

It takes time, but after a while you will learn to pay attention to your emotions that come with this and you will also need to pay attention to all the triggers that present you with anger, being snappy, being very anxious, feeling shame, fear, self doubt, and there are times where you wonder why you can't seem to just get past it, or are you making too much of it somehow. Please know that all of this is normal, and it does get better with time and if you allow yourself to keep working at it, keep addressing it and allowing yourself to be told constantly that everything you are feeling is normal, what others feel who are going through this as well. It DOES get better Tamster.

The reality is that you are NOT weak or unworthy or guilty or responsible, you really are not any of those things, but you will feel that way from time to time, "NORMAL TO RECOVERY WORK". One of the things that I constantly uttered is "I am sorry", "I don't understand this", "I am trying but it is exhausting", "Why wont this go away","I don't know what else to do".

I spent a lot of time reading about the disorder too, and I got so I could identify that everything I felt was part of it. But the important thing to remember is that with therapy, it DOES TAKE TIME, but IT DOES GET BETTER. What you are discribing about the flashbacks and hallucinations? Yes, I went through that myself and it really confused me too. But that will slowly subside and you need to work on not feeding into the PTSD flashbacks and other symptoms and making it worse. You will notice how you do that after a while and that you CAN choose to let whatever comes forward run its course and not feed into it. For me, I was just so taken by the loss of control and that I experienced these flashbacks that it frightened me, and I wondered if I was crazy or something. No, you are not crazy, you have PTSD and you CAN work through this and get these intrusions under control.

Now, Tamster, from what you have discribed in your first post is that you knew this man for 5 years. And what he did was slowly establish a relationship with you were there were times where you felt his approval as well as that he WANTED to help you as well. We all can fall victim very easily when people give us the right kind of messages and preditors know this very well. And I am sure there was a part of you that wanted him to like you as well, also very common. When anyone give us attention and presents to us that they feel we are somehow worthy of that, we can become captive of that and begin to believe them and even desire to get closer to them. There are also many patients that experience transference where they begin to feel they are more than a patient and even have romantic feelings towards their therapists/psychiatrists. And I am sure there are instances where the therapist/psychiatrists take advantage of that and then become preditors. And that would leave their victims feeling exactly how you are feeling right now. This is NEVER the patients fault either, but they feel like it is somehow and just like you they feel like they need to protect something too.

Ofcourse you are embarrassed, who wouldn't be? Remember something, you are not alone at all, this really happens to many people and many conceal it for a long time until they can't seem to anymore and they just want to resolve it somehow, that is normal too.

Example, I went to a dentist that specialized in gum disease and I had to have a deep scaling and learn how to take better care of my teeth and gums. I was pretty young then. This dentist was very complimentary to me and told me how attractive I was as well. He was married and had 5 children so I felt safe with him. One day he asked me to go into his office to talk with him. I thought he was going to discuss my gums and teeth. He closed the door and didn't talk to me, he attacked me and I don't know how I got out of that office, I ran out of there as fast as I could and went straight home and told my father. We didn't pay any of his charges and I told my regular dentist never to send young women to see that dentist, everyone was shocked this carasmatic man who was married with 5 children would do that.

What helped me a lot is when my therapist told me the percentage of women who experience things like this is. And then he said, thousands of women, and maybe more because many women are so embarrassed like you that they don't speak up and report it. They feel very confused just like you.

So, it is important to make sure that YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF, ARE KIND TO YOURSELF AND JUST ADDRESS ALL THESE FEELINGS, KNOWING THAT YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE. Make a decision right now that there is going to be a part of you that will be strong and willing to stand up and attack this as a student and kind of an inner parent that will be there above all else that reminds you of all the things I have discussed here.

You can get through this, REALLY. Please keep coming as you need to and just talk about how you feel, because you need to be reminded YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND DESERVE TO HEAL AND CAN WORK THROUGH THIS.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes