i'm diagnosed bipolar, but i now have it in my head that i have a personality disorder. i've sort of been wondering it anyway, because there's been a lot of discussion by others on a BP forum i go on about what is BPD and what's not, and it all just seems to fit. last week, my pdoc said that he didn't think i had a PD but could completely see why other doctors had thought i might have. he said that certain traits come to the fore when i'm depressed that could easily be mistaken for PD. what i didn't tell him was that these things don't just come up, they're always there, bubbling away, to some extent. sure, they get WORSE when i'm depressed (or manic, or mixed, seeing as i have a tendency to dysphoric mania) but i feel many of these things all the time. these are things i've never really admitted to anyone, no doctors, no family, no friends, not even myself. my sessions with the Tdoc are bringing these things up but they've always been there.

the other thing is that my parents, when they've taken me to counsellors or tdocs over my erratic behaviour, which started in early childhood, they always said that i "behaved like an abused child". this was something i never understood, although i can see that i do. i had very invasive surgery when i was a little baby, i had a police escort in an ambulance from the hospital i was born in to great ormond street (the noise of police cars and ambulances still really freaks me out), i was in an incubator for a long time and had more than one pretty major operation.

i've looked at the DSMIV and to be honest, none of the criteria for any specific PD fits, but i do get bits of a couple of them. i was looking at an article about borderline, and a lot of it seemed to fit.

these are from a couple of the PDs, and these all seem true, from my point of view. who knows what outsiders think?

(1) neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
(2) almost always chooses solitary activities
(3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person

the first, i dunno, i guess i have loads of friends, but almost all of them live a long way away. apart from one, i don't have many london friends. well there's a crowd i know, but apart from having two of them as housemates (who i avoid most of the time, not because i don't like them but because i hate them being in my space), i haven't seen or spoken to any of them in months, nor have i wanted to.

i increasingly prefer to do things alone, i always have, really, but it's getting more pronounced. i go to the cinema alone, i go to the theatre and gigs alone, i sit in pubs or restaurants alone and read, and don't like to be interrupted. it's getting increasingly clear that i just don't like company that much. if i choose to see a friend, fine, i enjoy it, but the reason i like my friends is that none of them pressure me to do things with them, it's quite intermittent and very much within certain terms.

as for my family: on an intellectual level, i get on ok with them. i like them as people, but i certainly don't feel ANY bond with them, i don't "love" them, i just think they're ok, nice enough people. no more, no less. however things they do, when they assume that because they feel these bonds, i must do to, really really gets to me. i hate that they assume things for me.

as for sex, well, i've declared myself celibate. i'm happy with that. i always hated sex, i could never see the point in it, and now i'm glad i've chosen to ignore and avoid it. the odd thing is that i can't even watch it in films or on tv. i'm like a kid, i'll have my hands over my eyes and my fingers in my ears, and i actually physically squirm in the seat. i HATE it.

next bunch:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

this is one i've been trying to deny for, like, ever. basically, i really don't have a bond with my parents. or any of my family. however, ever since i was quite young, if mum and dad went away on holiday or something, i would go mad. literally. i would have gigantic tantrums when i was little. when i was at school probably 80% of my severe manic/angry episodes coincided with them going away. i remember they were called back from spain once because i was locked in a loo with knives yelling at the headmistress that she was a %#@&#! %#@&#!. as i got older, almost all my hospital admissions coincided with them going abroad. the time i went in the priory, mum had to come back from france to attend to me. there have been other times as well, more than i can remember.

the stupid thing is once they got back (whether it be early or not) i would reject them, i hated that they were fussing over me, i hated their attention, i hated that they came back because it made out i was manipulating them. there were a couple of times, once being the time i went to the priory and antoher being when i was in springfield briefly, that i didn't want to talk to or see them, and i was terribly ashamed that they should know what was going on, so what did i do? i called my brother. who i hardly ever speak to normally. and of course, i suppose, deep down i knew he'd call them. what's that all about? it was like i manipulated the situation, even though i was clearly unwell.

it's taken me YEARS to admit that i had problems with them going away. i'd sort of vaguely started admitting it to myself a few months ago. it's really hard to say it, publicly, so to speak, because i don't for the life of me understand it. if i was a real mummy or daddy's girl, it would make sense. but i'm not.

my tdoc reckons it's because they left me in the hospital as a baby and it's an abandonment thing, i don't know, i guess it makes sense. more and more things are beginning to make sense if i think of them in light of how i must've felt as a tiny baby in an incubator being prodded with needles and scalpels. it also explains the self harm, at least to me, because hey, needles/scalpels = anaesthetic/being made "better".

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

hmm i dunno, my past sexual relationships certainly fit this. an intense few weeks long affair, followed by getting bored of said person, chucking them and then slagging them off to all and sundry.

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

hmmm... dunno. i'm quite happy in myself at the moment, i like who i am: apart from the family thing which i can't get my head around. however, i have had lots of changes in the past, i've sort of manipulated some things from my past to make the present seem more acceptable to others. god, isn't that awful? i'll say no more....

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex)

yup, in my manic phases i could spend for england, but even in normal state, i find it hard not to. i can easily spend a month's income in 2 weeks, every month, and have done most months since i started working, i think. as for sex, in the old days it was get drunk, shag someone. that's the other thing, i never could control my drink thing in the past. now i almost don't like drinking, i just don't like the taste, but that's probably a good thing.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

er, yes, well....

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

i don't know, it's hard to tell what with being BP, but i do get these weird moods, where i'll feel pissed off with someone for something really minor for ages, and then suddenly feel ok again. like, if someone tells me they're changing a plan we've made, i feel incredibly cheated, i feel anxious, i actually start getting towards anxiety attack, i feel so anxious. although this happens more when i'm depressed anyway, it does get to me at other times.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

i get very intense and uncontrollable anger. i feel that it's because, especially when i'm depressed, i feel that if i ask things of people i know, even just to ask them to do something small, they will hate me. so i just don't talk to them, i do the tasks myself, and build up anger. then, when i go out, if a bus driver, for example, looks at me funny, i will let rip, call them every name under the sun, threaten to kill them. this can happen 3 or 4 times in one journey. i have no control of it, i sort of feel it building but it's like a little mask comes down and yells. it's like i can hear what i'm saying but it's not me saying it. then, i sit and seethe and then start feeling guilty. the thing is i know this is wrong, i even say to myself as i leave that i won't do it, but i do.

admittedly, this worse when i'm depressed and worse still if i'm manic but i am an intensely irritable person anyway, little things bother me that shouldn't. i always try to sit on it which usually ends up in my taking it out on myself.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation

when i'm depressed i think everyone hates me, and if i talk to them they'll hate me even more. i don't know why, it's pathetic.

so there..... i think i'm probably imagining things, at least i hope so, but i have this niggle. it's like i haven't been honest with the doctors, they don't know this stuff, i've never said it out loud.