Hey

Thank you for your replies. It all blew up yesterday and when we went to see his pastor he ended up saying comments that really heard. We had issues over the wkend and kept being indecisive about what was happening. Initially it was me that kept asking about the future and where things are going, breaking up when he was horrible then not being stable myself as I'm so anxious about getting older and him not knowing if he even sees a future. He was saying he loved me but doesn't know what's happening. I just then started being difficult myself coz I was just so hurt over feeling like I'm just hanging over the edge just balancing on the side of a cliff. Then we broke up, this time when he said it he didn't want to talk about things. He only wanted to let us stay together if we love eachother but for me I really needed to talk more about other issues. I even said some horrible things the next couple of days, like I wish I never met him. I did apologise and felt guilty. When we actually did meet with the pastor, it was hard to talk coz he kept getting angry. He ended up storming out saying he doesn't need me, forget this etc. Niether of us have contacted eachother since. Even though pastor was saying he doesn't mean those things coz last wk he talking about how much he cares about you. I just think I was ill and I went to the meeting, if he couldn't stay for that, he's not in a place to be in a relationship. I know I should've been patient but I needed answers and what if I waited more months and he decides he doesn't want to be with me. He's thinking I've been doing some things mentally that I didn't even understand and he said that's why he has his reasons for treating me a certain way. Even things like him saying I'm only with him because I see potential in him. Things are think are positive are made negative. Then I'm just so hurt I kept lashing out. I'm nearly 30, I just want some stability in my life. One thing he said has just meant that I've not even wanted to contact him again. Usually by the evening we speak again unless he disappears. I just need to get on with my life, he clearly doesn't want me and doesnt understand that I kept 'moaning' because I wasn't happy and didn't know what the future held for us. He thought I was breaking up coz I was messing him about but I just kept getting confused. What a disaster!