Being Bi-polar I can be pretty damn impulsive. It's caused me more trouble than anything in the past few years. I either do it impulsively and decide in a second or I get stuck trying to decide.

Well, I'm un-employed now, and I've applied for SSD and disability that was available through my job. I had a hell of a time keeping my job and managing my bi-polar at the same time. Felt good yesterday, feel like complete **** today. I get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.
Then I get home and the real me comes out. I haven't seen my friends for almost a month. I just don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything that I don't have to do. I feel safer at home, because if I get close to breaking out in tears or rage after being happy and laughing 30 mins. ago, then it's okay because no one will think I'm ****ing loony.

Well, that's all beside the point. But anyway, I had been thinking about going back to school to make a career change. I applied to my local community college and could have went if I just would have taken the placement test. The problem is I have test anxiety and I also told myself that I couldn't afford to go. That was in 2010.

Well, fast forward until today. I thought to myself, let me just go and talk to a guidance counselor. So I went to get some career advice, and I didn't talk to a counselor. I left having signed up for school!

I felt good the first hour after doing that, then I felt okay the 2nd hour.
And then fast forward 3 hours later and I asked myself "WTF did I just do!"
How did I walk in the door and walk out having signed up. Thankfully I didn't walk into a military recruiting center!

I don't know how I'm going to manage if I'm barely paying the rent, I have no support to back me up financially. And my emotional support is VERY limited. How the hell am I going to manage myself, pay bills, and go to school without being overwhelmed? Sometimes I feel like I'm not the same person, like I'm subdivided and sometimes a part of me takes over and just does **** without me noticing. Lets not even touch the subject of drugs and alcohol.

Managing all of this **** is going to be crazy! I already have a hell of a time in my interpersonal life. I'm extremely embarrassed to be so emotional for a man. Most men portray strength by being in control of their emotions and being able to support others. I don't know. I feel some things so strongly.
I swear I can feel peoples pain sometimes.

I just thought to myself "Why am I posting this?" Well, I didn't think this through. But that's me! Oh well.