I was diagnosed with depression. For years, I did okay with the help of an anti-depressant. Then came years when I wasn't doing okay. I am not doing okay for months, now.

I think my basic problem is severe loneliness. I can't get a soul to listen to me on that. Maybe, here at PC, I can find some understanding.

I have tried to tell the pdoc that I believe I have a Personality Disorder involving social avoidance. I can seem so well able to express myself that I don't think the pdocs ever really believe me. Yes, I was able to work with people in my job for years, and I could interact when I was in certain situations where I knew what my role was.

But I have no friends, and that has been true much of my life. I do have a significant other, but that is not enough. He is very isolative, and he is happy just for me and him to be alone together. I hate that.

It was extremely hard for me, as a child, at school. I would hide in the girls' room just to avoid going to the cafeteria. I would stay in the house, in my room, reading and listening to music, rather than go out and play.

I told my mother and a teacher that I was terribly in pain about this. They just said I would be fine down the line. Well - down the line just got worse and worse.

PLUS - there is no amount of one-on-one therapy in an office that is going to help me. Been there and done that to death.

Now, my pdocs have tried me on med, after med, after med. They have even suggested ECT. For what!! I will just go back into the same lonely existence.

I used to have my studies in school to connect me with my teachers. I used to have jobs that connected me with people whose needs I was able to serve. Now I am unemployed and in my apartment, and I am plagued with Sui. Ideation. I am afraid of being alone forever, and facing growing old all alone. My S.O. is much older than me and he is sick. If something happens to him, I will really be alone.

This is so painful to even express here. I feel trapped in quicksand. I live alone. It seems like I lost the basic few skills I had in dealing with other people. After my last job failure, in February, I became severely depressed. I am not recovering, but getting worse. I feel in such despair, at times.

I think of places I might like to go. I have so little money, I am afraid to use a teaspoon of gas, unnecessarily. So I stay stuck here. I used to love to go walking, but I have bad arthritis in my right foot, and just going to the supermarket can be painful.

Another problem is that when you are lonely and depressed and looking for any human warmth that you can find, a serious problem arises. That can attract people to you who are not coming around for the best of reasons. A lot of that happened to me in my life. I am very tired of this struggle.