Absolutely.

I never had the courage to face him, at first because my marriage was bigger than life in my head. But after I realized the price would be my life, I understood my fear for dying was larger than anything else, even that fake love (because he was a sociopath, so I loved a lie).

In 5 years I always thought he'd change, but the abuse escalated to the lowest peaks in my life such as not eating for months, sleeping on the bathroom floor out of fear or that Christmas I spent in a park bench bleeding nonstop on snow.

I believe I was there at some point: protecting him, loving him or whatever that was, now I just feel disgusted and angry. Not even hateful, because it was all a lie so I dont even know wtf that was in my life now but I feel horribly guilty and sick of myself.

What helped me amazingly was my Psychiatrist. When I got started in my legal nightmare, he recommended it sort of like "either you do it or I won't pick up you case" - Amazing how many people avoid DV and things like this. At first it was twice a week, extremely difficult and painful for me and from there as I made bits of progress such as me no longer being suicidal and whatnot, I had to go in once a week, twice a month and so on.

Although in no way, shape or form I could ever compare 5 years with a lifetime like, over 20 years like Tamster experienced. But I can genuinely say, today I am very vocal as in how amazingly painful and horrible it was for me to go through psychiatrist like that, but forever thankful I did because then years later I was ready for a psychologist and cognitive therapy which has been less horrible so far. Took me like 7 months to find someone else.

And I know it sounds horrible but no matter what anyone else says, or whatever you read. It will never make sense, to me. You love someone, then this someone chokes you to death until you pass out for hours. And you feel DOUBTS to return something like that, let alone put him to justice.

I will never understand, personally. I should hate him with every single part of my being but today I feel sick to my stomach to even think about any of that. I cry a lot, I won't deny it, I cry because I relive that anxiety of pain and fear of death. I just wish he'd just disappear from the world, forget he exists, forget I ever lived that.

I guess I just need to accept myself today but it's very complicated. Instead of hating him I hate myself. I just wish he'd be gone from life.