Hi, HopeLost. I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I have certainly been there, as have pretty much everyone here on the forum it seems. I know exactly what it feels like to never feel good enough. I am my own worst enemy at times, and I've been that way my entire life.

The med go-round is a tough time. I was only just officially diagnosed about 5 years ago at age 36, and it took me awhile to find a good combo of meds that works, with sides effects that I can deal with. I still tweak my meds with my psychiatrist on a regular basis to stay as stable as possible, so for me it is a never ending process, but it is much, much better than it was when I first started. My lows are now very minor and do not get in the way of life to the point where I can't function. Maybe that can be your goal.

Just hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it takes time and it's very often a chemistry experiment in finding the right combo. Sounds like depression is your main issue, which is mine as well. I have gotten bouts of hypomania as well, but the lows are what really get me.

Be very proactive in your effort to find meds that work. If something does not feel right, speak to your doctor (hopefully you are working with a psychiatrist and not just a primary care doc). I am very vigilant about what I take, and I always research meds that I'm taking, as well as others that may be helpful if something does not work.

People are very supportive here and, as one member recently posted to another, you can always be yourself. Hope this helps.