I guess the title of this thread is slightly misleading, I think I know where I need to start and that's to see a therapist/psychiatrist to see what's really going on. I am more so not sure where to post what I am about to post, because I have a number of issues I am dealing with.
First off, I am not even sure that I am bipolar but reading about it, going through the quizzes here and having 2 people who I was closer to than anyone else tell me they think I am... well, that's all lead me here, to this post.
So where to start? When I was in my teens, that's when I first found out I was dealing with depression. I had an onset of panic attacks in high school which led me to be honest with people and tell them how I felt. My parents had a nick name for my alter ego during this time frame. I'd get either so sad or so aggressive at certain points, they'd say that Kyle was coming out (real name isn't Kyle, btw
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I got put on meds by a general doctor and was on again, off again with meds until around the age of 22. Around this time I had fallen in love. I think I was terrified of love and everything that came with it. This time period seemed to bring out the worst in me, but I was able to keep it hidden from everyone except for the woman I was in love with. She got all of my negative and positive, the highs and the lows. After a while, my head got to me, love felt like too much and I made an attempt to kill myself. This led to the woman I loved telling me I needed help or she didn't want to be with me.
I got help, albeit for a general practice doctor, who, I think, lucked into getting me some meds that helped. I was on a combo of welbutirn and lexapro for about 6 years.
At the tail end of this time period (I’d be 29, currently 30), I was still on meds but leaving my wife. She had a drinking problem that had gotten out of control. She had disrespected me at many times during the marriage and it all just added up. She'd get drunk and be rotten to me on holidays, in front of family and when we were alone. I didn't feel loved anymore.
I left her, moved back in with my parents last August. In November I started seeing someone else because I was convinced my marriage was never going to work. I started having unprotected sex with this new girl after 2 weeks of knowing her. I put that in here because I know an issue with mania is dangerous sexual behavior, which is what this was, in retrospect.
I saw this new girl for about 2 and a half months before my ex called me with a problem, her cell phone broke. I felt terrible for some reason and went to give her an old one I had. I confessed I was with someone else, I had broken up with the new girl the day before and I told my wife I wanted to work it out and I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I backed off of that a few days later when I felt that my wife was going right back to her old, selfish ways.
I stayed alone for the better part of 3 weeks, except for the new girl who would not leave me alone. I changed my number to avoid her. Finally, peace and quiet.
Then... my mom died unexpectedly after complications from heart surgery we were convinced she'd be great after getting. I was devastated. My mom held on in the hospital for 3 days after the surgery didn't go well. This entire time I was keeping the new girl and my ex (but still legally) wife in the loop on everything. In this time the new girl was really there for me and I told her I wanted to try again with her after things settled.
A month passes and I try again with the new girl. What I now think was mania (I didn't see it at the time), I was on highs with a lot of sex one day, then none the next day because I had no desire. After another few months with the new girl I realized I was just looking for a distraction so I tried to be good and break it off, I didn't want to lead her on anymore. This time she left me alone.
After this (and this is about a month ago now), I started to feel extreme guilt about not working it out with my wife. I went back again and asked to try one last time and this time we needed to see a counselor. That's where we are at now.
The problem is that I certainly go from extreme highs to extreme lows, sometimes in the matter of hours. But that's not it alone. I want to please everyone and some people do not want me back with my ex-wife (my dad being one, who I still live with to support through him losing his wife and my mom). So I can hang out with my wife/ex/whatever, feel very good about how it is going (she did alcohol abuse counseling and is making a lot of effort to work with me and not against me, she knows everything about new girl and is willing to forgive) but then I see my dad and he gets mad and tells me it's a mistake. I then call the wife and tell her I can't do it. People have way too much impact on my choices, but I feel terrible, depressed when I let someone down.
When I keep things to myself and don't disappoint anyone, I can still convince myself in the span of hours that I need to go back to my ex or I need to carry through with the divorce. So I have extreme mood swings but I also have extreme life-choice-swings as well.
I'm sorry for writing a damn book; I just don't know what else to do at this point. My ex and new girl think I have serious issues, maybe bipolar, because they have seen how high and how low I get. I am terrified to let my ex go because I am terrified I'll never find someone who will be willing to live with me as I am. Oh yeah, I stopped taking meds when I left my wife because she blamed them for killing our sex life (which they did) so I was scared that if I was on them, I could never be with anyone because I’d have no desire for sex and therefore that other person would want nothing to do with me.
My family thinks I am "strong" and dealing with everything (mom, taking care of my dad and divorce) very well. I just know how to shield who I really am from them. That makes me think there is no way I can be bipolar, because bipolar seems so serious, how could I be able to hide it from others?
So... where do I start? And again, I am sorry for writing so much, but I had to get that out there.