as for the general symptoms, i know for a fact i've been hiding many of these things from doctors all my adult life. i am pretty sure i have lied about certain aspects of my past, and lied somewhat at the time as well, in order to back up my bipolar dx. i feel as though i have twisted how i feel and have felt to fit that dx, rather than admitting that these feelings are ALWAYS there. i feel as though i've lied about aspects of my past to friends as well, even about petty things like what music i was into, and also about things that could have shaped my behaviour, my dx and my image amongst other people.

actually, nowadays, i'm pretty happy with my self, in terms of knowing what i like in life, having friends who like similar things, having a good music collection etc. but it's got to the stage where when i think about the past i can't remember what's the truth and what is my twisting/exaggeration/omission/outright lying. it's quite frightening really.

needless to say, i've never ever said this out loud to anyone, although it's something i think about a lot.

as for the sexual thing:

do you have sexual interest (in the sense of a physical drive) or not?

i get physical urges, yes, i do occasionally masturbate but not like i used to. these days i just start thinking about something else and the urges go away, usually, but they are still around.

Do you know what about it makes you feel sick?

nope.

Have you thought about the possibility that you might be gay?

the last time i was anything other than celibate i was gay. basically i do still find people attractive, but in the looking sense, not the doing sense. i think women tend to be more attractive anyway. i have slept with both genders, and hated it with both, although possibly more with men.

Or just the possibility that you might not have met the right person yet?

oh no, no way. this isn't a "the sex is crap" this is a "just thinking about having sex, even within a relationship, makes me throw up and cry hysterically"