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Jun 01, 2012, 12:50 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,849
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Thank you all above for the hugs and for reading my post.
I am going out, now, close to midnight, to take birdseed out of my car trunk and put in in my outside storage closet. I waited till dark, partly because it was very hot. Also, I don't like to go out when I might encounter neighbors.
They are all okay people . . . even nice folks, who've tried to reach out to me. I feel ashamed of myself. It is obvious to them that I am sick in the head. I think that by now, they are thinking - "Well, enough already. It's time she got it together. She's a lost cause. Hiding in there with the blinds closed." I imagine that they will feel disgust if they notice me. One neighbor has told me that I need to fix up my appearance, wear some make-up, act like I am alive. She said that, supportively, in the past. I know she has lost some respect for me.
We were starting to be friends. Now, I shy away. I don't want to be chastised. A few months ago, she said that I should have "had at least one child." There's precious little I can do about that now. What could possibly have been her point? Well . . . I guess she was trying to analyze what went wrong in my life. She wasn't being mean . . . just insensitive. She says she wants to take me to lunch, when I am ready to come out of my cocoon. Normally, I would warm to any invitation like that. I just don't want to be under someone else's magnifying lens, when I know I do not present all that well. I envy the traditional Muslim women their burqas. I would like to go around in a sheltering veil of privacy.
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