I'm a little nervous to write this post, because for most of you that have been reading my posts about my boyfriend, I feel like you will be thinking I'm an idiot for what I'm about to say. But here it goes.

Deep down, I think I've always know my boyfriend has an alcohol problem, to load on top of all the other issues I've mentioned. I have never used the term alcoholic to describe him, but I am finally ready to admit that I believe he is an acloholic.

I know he had problems with alochol before we met, but since then he has improved. However lately, hes started drinking too often again, and when he drinks hes been drinking too much (can never have a few drinks- always gets loaded). And one of the biggest problems for me- I have a huge problem trusting him when hes drinking, because of the incidents I have mentioned in my previous post. He is a different person when he drinks. When hes sober, he truly is an amazing guy, and an amazing boyfriend. When hes loaded he is a different person. He can be loaded without doing stupid things, but there has been too many times he has done stupid things, always when loaded. For you that have read my previous posts, everything he has done: drunks texts/trying to buy drugs, was when he was loaded. I know this is not an excuse. BUT the reason I am still with him and still trying is because I feel like I'm dating two different people: "sober boyfriend" and "drunk boyfriend."

On Monday, we were over at a friends place. His friend had a bad day. He wanted to go out for a couple drinks. For an hour. My boyfriend went. He finally returned three and a half hours later, completely hammered. I was furious. We both had to work the next day, it was late. I was very upset that after promising it would only be a few drinks and an hour, it ended up being three and a half hours and obviously more than a few drinks. Upset, but honestly not surprised. I told him I was getting worried about his drinking. He agreed he was drinking too much, and said he should slow down.

On Wednesday night, my boyfriend hung out with a friend from his hometown that he hadn't seen in years. He asked me if I could pick him up later and bring him home. (He doesn't have a driver's license due to drinking and driving charge he got long before we met). I agreed that I would come get him. He text me around 11:30 and I went to pick him up.

When he got in the car, it was obvious he was beyond hammered. I was very upset, but it gets worse. The girl he had drunk texted about hooking up several months ago? He had text her. Just said "Hey whats up" but I was livid. I lost it. She hadn't answered. He then text her best friend and asked if she'd changed her number. Then the first girl text back saying "not answering". Even she knew it was wrong.

I really lost it. He had promised he wouldn't speak to her. That they couldn't remain friends after what happened. I started yelling. He was too drunk too really have a conversation with. He actually went in his phone and deleted the messages after I had seen them, then tried to pretend he had no idea what I was talking about! "Drunk boyfriend" strikes back. I dropped him off at his parents and went back to my apartment alone. I didn't go to work the next day I was so upset. He tried apologizing over text, saying he knows it was wrong blah blah blah I DON'T CARE. He should have come over last night as we obviously need to have a serious talk. He didn't come. Didn't have a ride apparantly.

So I told him after work tonight, I don't care what his plans are, I need to see him in person before he does anything else, we need to talk.

Now here's the part where you will all be thinking I'm an idiot. I'm not outright breaking up with him. BUT I am breaking up with "drunk boyfriend." I have had it. I love him so much, but I can't be hurt anymore. I know he would never intentionally hurt me or do any of these things sober. But it's different when hes drunk. So I need to tell him its me or drinking. And I am terrified. I know there is a very good chance I will lose him all together. I don't want to lose "sober boyfriend" but I can't be with "drunk boyfriend" anymore. I know I need to do this, and its going to be very hard and emotional. I really hope I can count on having some support here