Dear Hopefull ~ I registered just to reply to your post. I like to say that Paxil saved my life : not in a literal way, but the beauty & quality of my life. I can answer some of your questions -- because of stigma, it took me years to agree to take any AD. Sometimes, I wish I could have those years back.

I don't feel embarrassed @ the pharmacy -- maybe at first, but they see lots of prescriptions for lots of interesting conditions! So many people nowadays take some sort of psychmed, that I'm sure it never fazes them at all.

Relating to a psychmd is like relating to any other doc. Sometimes they're terrific; sometimes they couldn't care less about you. Ask your T for a referral : she knows you best & can prob refer you to a psychmd that will be a good match. My psychmd is great. I can ask all the questions I want & bcz he's in the same practice as my T, they communicate with each other as to where I am & what I need.

Permanency to the brain? I've never heard that. Usually, when you come off ADs, you return to where you were. It's not something I've thought much about.

Feelings? I still feel emotions, just like I always did. They're neither blunted or keener. The emotions that P takes away are the unwanted ones *depressive* ones.

Messing w/your brain? Meds help me to think clearly & more quickly. I find my thoughts & words more quickly, and stammer less. Negative thoughts are rare & mostly non-existent, unless I'm going thru' a cycle. Before I went on meds, most of my time was spent in dreadful worry & angst; their absence is liberating.

Better sleep? My SSRIs have never helped me to sleep better. I have always taken a supplement. Right now, it happens to be an AD that's being used off-label for my insomnia & works beautifully. Sleep is so tricky : different people will react to so many different things. Insomnia is also very common; I'm not sure why your doc would think you're nuts for having it. (BTW, perhaps what you need is a new doc ... one that you can relate to & cares as deeply about your psychiatric health as the rest of your physical health. A good, coordinating primary is so important.)

Going off? You should always work closely w/your practitioners. Since I'm on P, if I ever want to come off, it has to be very slowly, since it can cause some very unpleasant side effects. I'm a strong believer that one shouldn't just stop taking any med, but instead to work w/their docs. A friend of mine was on Wellbutrin & decided to take herself off ... she ended up having a seizure. It was a really unwise thing to do.

Keep in mind that the 1st med may not be the best one; you may have to try several to find the magic pill.

And as far as stigma is concerned, D is a metabolic, medical disorder. If you had another health issue, would you be wary of taking meds? Not taking meds (IMO) bcz to do so would be a sign of weakness is just dumb. I know for sure that if I had a heart problem & I needed meds to keep the ticker tickin', I sure wouldn't try to tough it out.

As I said, Paxil saved my life. I will always have D. My medications make my life so much more pleasurable & beautiful. Does that mean I never have symptoms? If only, I wish. I do have breakthrough symptoms & cycles (I just came out of one that was brought on by a change in my sleep meds), but they're not nearly severe or last as long.

I wish you luck. Post again if I can give you any more advice.