You know, sometimes I think that I'm just playing at this whole "being mentally ill" thing.

I think I'm bulimic, b/c I eat a lot and then purge to compensate for it. But I want to be anorexic. How is that possible? Anorexia nervosa is a disease, not a diet.

I think I'm bipolar, b/c that's what my doctor diagnosed, and I have weird mood swings.

I think I'm a SI-er, because I cut myself and I like it.

But isn't there supposed to be some sort of regret with all of these things? Where you think, "Wow, I wish I had never done this because it screws up my life." For me, the only time I regret it is when I think really hard about how my life would have been without it. Other than that, I love it.

I love cutting- I think it's beautiful.

I love being bipolar- it means that I get wonderful highs and incredible lows.

I love being bulimic- the sense of control I get from purging, the elation the (very rare) times that I lose weight from it.

Am I just pretending? Am I just normal and think I have these problems?

For me, the despair and sadness and unexplained crying that I get from when I'm depressed are what I like. I love that feeling of hopelessness. I feed off of the wretchedness when I cut. I live for that burning in my throat as I bend over a toilet.

I don't know who, or what, I am anymore.