Thank you so much for the replies.
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Hi,
Minor things do add up and can turn into something big. Even if the criticism didn't bring you to tears when you were in school it still seems to have affected you on a deep level. You were able to keep up a pretense. So all those things add up and lead to a progressive grating away at your sense of self. Did you ever stand up for yourself? do you consider yourself an assertive person or do you lack those skills? Do you notice a pattern with your 'triggers'. Also, what it is about your life that upsets you when you self-reflect? I'd say you've become quite over-sensitised (hypersensitive), so the littlest things do feel big. I'd say the thoughts of suicide reflect despair or hopelessness...expectations not matching reality. And a lack of coping skills. I would think that the mood fluctuations are normal. Do you tend to feel low only when you're in those situations or self-reflecting? otherwise (the rest of the time) you're able to distract yourself? do you feel any anxiety/fear at all?
Bigs Hugs to you xx
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No, I seldom ever stood up for myself. I used to just take it, I'd go into a kind of "fight or flight" sort of anxiety response and I would be too overwhelmed to say or do anything back except if I was physically attacked (which was fairly rare). I was also very self-conscious of the fact I was being shown up around others like bystanders. I still get anxious around high school aged kids now though I'm 19. I feel as if they are going to do something to me or say something nasty, when they laugh behind me, I feel it's about me. Having my iPod and blocking out outside sounds helps with this, especially.
No I'm not an assertive person at all, I try to be, but I'm very passive, the girl in the background kind of thing. To friends I sometimes come across as assertive I think, but to general people I come across as shy. I am always trying to figure out what people think. As for my life, well since finishing school in 2009, the last 3 years have been a bit of a hopeless wreck of unemployment and disappointment. I suffered something traumatic re: a guy I met through a friend just before I turned 17 (which I try to pretend never happened or acknowledge) and I've gained lots of weight since then and I just generally feel like a fat mess and useless. My mind spends a lot of time analysing the past. I feel both low in those situations
and self-reflecting, I just go into tears and the thoughts flood in.
I had stopped self-harming in Feb 2011, but on May 24th during one of those 'meltdowns' I started again, so I think it might my mind getting worse. I think you're absolutely right though, I am hypersensitive. Thanks.
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Seems to be that alot of this has to do with low self esteem. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Have you ever been in therapy or are you now?
If you're NOT in therapy now, I'd suggest making an appointment with a good therapist, and seeing what's behind all this. I'm sure it would help you -- I know therapy has helped me immensely, and I've been in it off and off most of my adult life.
Best of luck and keep us posted, ok? Hugs, Lee
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I used to have a sort of mental health support team (psychiatrist etc) because I was on a mood stabiliser in 2010/early 2011 which I got taken off. I saw therapists etc through a charity I was referred to, she was nice, but she wasn't very helpful long term. I was supposed to get CBT last year, but the assessor lady reckoned I was unsuitable for it (my "problem was more psychiatric" whatever that meant), I discharged myself from the whole lot of professionals though, I felt they couldn't help me and they haven't chased me up since I haven't had any 'episodes' since June last year where I got drunk and told police/hospital I was suicidal.
Maybe a counsellor would be good, I'm not sure, but too many of them seem to be trying to get me on meds which I'm untrustworthy of and are unhelpful really.
Thanks for your reply.