I had been making steady progress over the past 7 months with therapy and med adjustments (still adjusting) I had bad habits under control. The drinking had been greatly curbed and I was being faithful to my drug regiment. For some reason, over the past few days I have picked up old, destructive habits, and I can't figure out why. During the day, I am functioning normally, but at night I am drinking again and on top of that I am taking klonopin, too. Yes, I know this is completely stupid, and I know what both my t and pdoc have told me about the dangers of this behavior.
Here is what my life has been like for the past couple of weeks: major depression until the end of last week and just as I was feeling that I was coming out of it, my father/abuser died. I spent the entire weekend doing the funeral and family duties, feeling like a fake because I wasn't shedding tears, just going through the motions. This past week my hypomanic state began to take over, but it has been an angry time. My husband says I am flying off the handle at minor things. I can't control the physical energy-shaky hands, lots of movement. Work has been okay, I've used the energy in a positive way with my class.
But in the evenings-at least a bottle of wine and my drugs on top of it. What is going on? Is this a reaction to my father's death? Why am I feeling so destructive? I go to see my t on Tuesday and the pdoc next week; however, I am not sure that I will be completely honest because I hate to admit the downward spiral. I have written everything in my journal, though, so I hope I will be able to share that way.
Thanks for reading. Sometimes just posting helps to work out some of the craziness.

Bluemountains