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lynn09 · Jun 03, 2012, 05:25 PM

(((((SweetieFuzzy))))) You need to understand what you are really seeing and hearing in your abusers' behaviors and words. Remember,

- abusers will always define their targets as being "less than" themselves to compensate for their own FEARS that their targets are and might be perceived and valued by others as being "more than" the abusers;
- abusers will diminish and scapegoat their targets (especially those they are intimidated by) in order to elevate themselves;
- abusers establish/maintain access to their targets by preventing their targets from developing healthy boundaries of self-respect and self-esteem so they'll feel/be just as vulnerable and defenseless as their abusers;
- abusers will denounce and portray their targets to others as being "not good enough" so that others will perceive the abusers as being better than they are in comparison to their wretched, useless, unworthy targets;
- abusers will never acknowledge a target's true identity and worth because their own feelings of worthlessness threaten to consume them;
- abusers will withhold validation of their targets' worth to keep them "begging" (emotional blackmail) the same way they feel they must beg for validation from others;
- abusers always blame their targets for the abusers' bad behaviors ("If you were a better person, I could/would treat you better;" "If you were worth loving, I would be able to love you.");
- abusers are forever enslaved to "proving" their Power, Dominance, Authority, Superiority, and Control over others in order to validate their own worthiness to exist.

Abusers are hypercritical, judgmental, and incapable of loving others because they cannot love themselves, and believe that they must constantly prove themselves worthy of being loved by controlling how they are perceived by others by any means necessary (deception, manipulation, defamation, coercion, intimidation, etc.) and at any cost to anyone other than themselves. They are enslaved to their self-serving wills and intentions, and EVERYTHING is about what they/others do/do not "deserve." Love is not self-serving, but selfless - it is a gift freely given from within with no expectations and no strings attached.

Just like two objects cannot occupy the same point in space at the same point in time in this physical realm, embracing opposing philosophical concepts (love/hate, justice/injustice, etc.) creates conflict within us making us inconsistent. Whatever positive/negative philosophies we choose to embrace to define our own identities are manifested (brought into a state of being) in this physical realm through our thoughts, attitudes, words, and actions to everyone's benefit/detriment, respectively. We humans truly do reveal our identities through the philosophies we choose to "live."

Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do to change your abusers - you have no control whatsoever over what they choose to believe, think, say, or do - you only have control over yourself - who you choose to be and how you choose to respond in any situation. As Viktor Frankl wrote, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Try to depersonalize what you are experiencing because, in reality, your abusers' behaviors towards you have nothing whatsoever to do with you - as always, it's all about THEM - they are revealing THEIR own sickness and damage - they are actually telling you who THEY are, not who you are. Objectify it all as much as possible so you can study them and use that knowledge to help you learn to discern what you should take into yourself - retain what is constructive and beneficial, and discard what is not. lynn09