Omg, anjelmarie. I normally don't venture much outside the bipolar forum, but today, yes, and wow. I could have written so much of this. You are not alone. (Initially sectioned out specifics, but that probably does not matter, and got quite lengthy, so... suffice to say, substantial portions.) Also, started to write and realized that even with a trigger icon, I wasn't comfortable with putting even the safer bits out there. Sooo, the gist of it is that I felt the need to respond, so resonant was the ring of your posts. Seriously, It's a sucky place to mentally be.