I will just share something right now, strictly from my own experience.

This is why I am still alive today, surviving another year.

Last year, my depression just about killed me.

I was at the end. I was.

Therapists had given up on me, I could not attend grief group at my hospice for my aunt's death because I was just so upset and so unable to trust any process. And I had seen so many of them that had not seemed to care and like you I had a lot of trouble trusting it and opening up.

I don't trust therapists or professionals because of what I went thru with them. It was a vicious cycle, too, because when that happened, I could not let them help, even when they said they wanted to.

However, I did find someone that I could trust, my mentor. I had to find that person that I could trust and open up to. I know there are some therapists and others that we can trust and who will listen to us. I have not found one like that yet, but I did find my mentor.

If you are like me, or if you, like me, were brought up invalidated, or treated like your feelings and problems were not important, you did not learn to open up or share or talk. Is this a new thing for you, trusting and opening up? Did you get hurt, once upon a time when you did open up? Did your mom hurt you emotionally or physically when you trusted her a long long time ago? (you don't have to answer; it's okay)

Anyway, my mentor was abused all his life in a very alarming way; he had been at an even lower place than I was. And he was still alive and happy many years later; he also found some people who were able to help him, too. Like me, though, it was hard for him; he had to trust too.

He learned how to believe in himself. He learned who he was, even though it seemed so many people and things were against him. He learned that he was okay and that it was okay to accept himself and treat himself well.

He taught me never ever ever to give up on myself or on faith in humanity.

He is not a therapist, just someone who lived in h*ll for a long time because he did not accept his reality (understandbly; it was pretty horrible) or accept himself.

He passed on his healing to me and brought me up from my hole.

I still have problems, I am very isolated, very scared of people and of myself.

But I have not given up.

I hope you will not either.

I get out of bed every day, even when I do not want to.

My mentor helps me process my profound grief at the loss of myself and at my aunt's betrayal of me. I still have trouble eating and he sits with me and helps me eat.

I am sharing this because there is still good in life and in the world, even if it seems like there isn't any left.

you don't have to agree with what I am saying.

I do believe that you deserve to live.

My aunt had made me believe that I did not deserve to even be alive and I am healing from that. As I write this, I can still hear her angry voice telling me, "Billi, how can you say that about me?!" but I know it's her pain, her problem; she could never own what she had done to me.

I am so sorry about your pain.

I feel such profound pain in your post.

You deserve a chance.

You deserve to give it to yourself.

You have you, still.

And it's okay.

Billi