June is a hard month for me, my dreams are showing me that already. I see anniversary posts, i always try to forget that day, but im nearing the 10 year mark since that night. Triggers but ill try to keep them light. Two men, much older than me, some ritual abuse and me forced to clean up my own blood after. I did nothing about it. I saw no point, i didnt know the last names, i blacked out the worst of it so i didnt even know exactly what happened. I cried every time i peed and could hardly stand up for over a week. They made me feel like i asked for it. But i didnt. I said no more times than i could count, i tried to push him off of me. But in the end, they won. I was 14, they were 19 and 22. I let it happen again, i believed them when they told me nothing really happened. I had to. The signs were all there of what happened but i didnt want to believe it. So i went back. They told my brothers other stories. I ended up voluntarily going to the hospital after i learned what really happened. But up until this past week, i felt that it was my fault. I hated myself for what i let them do to me. I hated and blamed myself for going back. I was convinced that the second time was my fault because i went back, after knowing something was wrong. But i went back because deep down, while cleaning my own blood, i knew what had happened, i just wasnt willing to accept it. So instead i fell for them, in my own attempt to somehow justify what happened. I never wanted to go to the police because i believed it was my fault, i should have known not to hang out with men so much older. But this past week i am starting to see, it wasnt my fault. They were in the wrong, i was an immature young barely teen girl, they were grown men. I said no and they did not listen. Just becausei put myself in a vulnerable position did not give them the right to touch me. I have, since the first night, dreamt of the shadows of them doing it again. They still haunt me, as much as the other abusers who were in my life much longer. But i no longer blame myself. I blame them. I am considering taking legal action against one of the men