Lately I've been SOOOOO depressed. It just seems to get worse as my life gets worse.

I've been unemployed for 5 months. I live in Southern California, which I hate. (It was 101 degrees today. I don't tolerate heat well, and the people here...ugh) I just had a skin cancer lesion surgically removed today - what an ordeal. OW!! I'm having problems with bullying neighbors (one vandalized my car yesterday). I have no family (only distant cousins in distant places, and only one who keeps in touch, occasionally), no man in my life (don't want one, actually), no income, no hope, no clue as to what to do with myself, no nothing. I've had PTSD for 46 years.

For 12 years I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself (career-wise, personally). I just feel empty, lost, worried about the future. Nothing ever seems to work out for me. The more I think about that the worse I feel. What's the point of trying to do anything, if nothing's ever going to work out? I'm tired of struggling and working so hard for no result. It's all struggle and no pleasure. I can't handle it any more.

I really do feel like I'm losing it. I can't drag myself out of this emotional hole I'm in. Someone on another board referred me to a therapist who does EMDR. I sent her an email (just a message to call me - the email didn't allow for any other text). She called and left a number, and I returned her call, leaving a message on her voice mail saying that I'm looking for a PTSD analyst. One who will work on an ability to pay basis (I'm living on unemployment and have no insurance). She called back and left word on my machine saying she'll look for one for me. That was days ago and I haven't heard anything yet.

Sometimes - every few years - I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I can't control my thoughts or my depression, like there's nothing to get up in the morning for, like nothing will ever improve. I'm well on my way down that road, now.

I've always had good coping mechanisms (as evidenced by the fact that I'm still here), but they're worn out. They just don't work any more. I've been searching for what I was "meant to do," as well as a new paradigm, for years, with no success. I'm lost, emotionallly exhausted and see very little chance of my life improving, down the line.

Now THAT's depression...