(((aiv713))),

Hi aiv, welcome to PC, I am sorry that you had such a big loss at that age. Sixteen year olds have no way of knowing how to deal with that kind of loss or even beginning to understand WHY your mother took on so much anger, and sadly took that out on you.

A situation like that is a real TRAMA for all families and often a mother has a really hard time with that kind of loss. It sure doesn't sound like your mother got the right kind of help as she took out her anger and loss on you. Personally I think that she was running on anger and apathy which often occurs with a huge loss like that.

I can't blame you for struggling with the aftermath and her reaction, and that anger you are expressing at your finace does need to be addressed. And I know that you have just started therapy, and I hope you have a therapist who specializes in PTSD and trama work, you do need to have your fiance visit your therapist so he can understand what you are trying to work through and how HE can help and support you in your recovery work.

What I can tell you that may help you some is that when a parent loses a child often out of tramatic circumstances they feel such a tremendous loss that they CAN take their anger out on the remaining child or children. It is this way because they are trying to distance themselves from LOVING ANYTHING ELSE.

In your situation, you were in great need for you mother to help you with that loss, but she just did not have it to give you and somewhere in her she was angered by that and didn't want to attach to anyone really. A trama like this can have this effect on a parent and often the children depend on the parent to stand tall and strong and fix and guide and love etc. But sadly often parents are so devestated that they cannot do this. And sometimes the parent just shuts EVERYONE out and often can only muster anger and control and otherwise be somewhat dazed and full of APATHY.
An APATHY FOR NOT ONLY OTHERS BUT ALSO THEMSELVES and LIFE IN GENERAL.

Truth be told, YOUR MOTHER NEEDS SERIOUS THERAPY HERSELF. And you are wise to distance from her because YOU CANNOT FIX HER and SHE CANNOT BE AN APPROPRIATE MOTHER TO YOU UNTIL SHE GETS A LOT OF THERAPY. And NONE of HER issues are in ANY WAY YOUR FAULT.

PLEASE, be patient and kind to yourself, you have to resolve all of these emotions and confusions in therapy. Do not self blame, and make sure you get your fiance in to see your therapist so he understands you better and HOW HE CAN SUPPORT YOU.
Your finance cannot FIX you, YOU HAVE TO FIX YOU. You are lucky to have a nice man in your life and YOU DEFINITELY DESERVE TO MOVE FORWARD IN YOUR LIFE.
This is going to take you time to work through and it WILL get emotional at times and YOU DO HAVE SOME ANGER TO LET OUT. But in time you will improve through therapy and in that time it is VERY IMPORTANT to be patient and KIND to YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT.

Welcome to PC, we are here to support you and listen as well. None of us are therapists, but we are struggling through PTSD as well and are more than willing to listen and help you in what ever way we can.

((((((Hugs))))))))

Open Eyes