Unrequited love. Have I survived it? It’s basically defined my life for the last 5 years. There basically hasn’t been a time that I haven’t been struggling with unrequited love and it unfortunately feels like the only love I have experienced - I am under the impression I am unlovable.

My first unrequited love occurred in high school in 2007. She was incredibly smart, attractive, and kind. Although she was a dancer, it wasn’t her body that left me in awe, it was her voice! She had the most incredible voice. Sounds weird, I know, but I suppose after a childhood of screaming, profanity, threats, and madness I am sensitive to the voices of others.

Based on the advice of my special education coordinator, I attempted to socialize with her, first on Facebook, because I was too shy to approach her in person. We would chat online after school and I wanted to talk to her in person, but I also feared that her friends would create a nightmare for me, since I would be an easy target for bullying. The last thing I needed was to find myself hiding in a bathroom, in a locker, or being stalked and ambushed on my way home.

One thing led to another and I sent her a message on Facebook where I expressed some feelings of mine. Her parents called the police on me, the police called the school and my parents, and an officer came to my house to tell me that she wants nothing to do with me.

How did I take that? I was diagnosed with major depression and OCD, put on medication, withdrew for 2 months, and I was institutionalized for about a month or more for attempted suicide. I attempted suicide again in April of 2008 and I was barred from talking to or otherwise communicating with her.

In 2008 I met the best girlfriend and friend I have ever had other than my Internet friends. She was incredible! That ended well. She dumped me over the phone and her mother made it almost impossible for us to talk to each other. All the while I was still seeing Girl #1 from 2007 each day at school.

After my dad died and my former girlfriend forever ceased talking to me despite her claims that she would never leave me, a promise I am now unable to believe from anyone, I sought out Girl #1 from 2007 again. I thought, “Hey, my house is gone, I am homeless, I will be moving across country in a month, what could I possibly lose now?” I walked right up to her with a broken foot and a cane and we had a conversation - it was incredible! She was so kind to me! She was the kindest person to me in that entire building of 2000 students.

While crying in the Asperger’s room I was removed and brought in to the administration to see my nemesis in life - the then head of guidance at our school. He once accused me of terrorism because I was reading a book on the Taliban in the library. (You wouldn’t believe all the death threats and harassment I have received for such things!) He antagonized me and I exploded on him. I was detained in a locked room with a computerized door and a restraining order was filed against him for harassment. I would be charged if I came near or otherwise communicated Girl #1, for what crimes I don’t know, since I didn’t commit a crime but that didn’t stop others from accusing me of that. I drafted a letter and had someone deliver it to her.

Then our house was repossessed and I spent the next few months living in a car.

The end.

Now here I am for 3 years with not a single individual for me to talk to or be around in real life because not one freaking person can stand me long enough or find anything redeeming about me to want to talk to me.

I can’t help but feel this will never change - I’ve always been alone and ostracized minus that 8 month relationship in 2008 - and sometimes I feel like saying damn everyone if nobody can find me worthy of respect and love.

People tell me (online of course) that I am lovable and things will change and then I look around me and wonder where in my life those things are demonstrated. My mind works off statistics, facts, and patterns, not random ideas of something changing for the better.

Both my arms and legs have been permanently scarred from self-harm out of the frustration and hurt of a unrequited love. I can look at my body and tell someone which scar is for which female.

I have not recovered from unrequited love. I have photos of both girls on my computer and until recently had them on my iPod. There is no other love in my life. All I have had is unrequited love and loneliness.