*****Trigger for religious material*****

“I don’t deserve this.” There’s your core belief. Okay, we can talk about what’s fed it, and we have some. And maybe there’s some other big issues, incidences that you need to talk about. But we know that’s the core belief. And so the work comes in changing that core belief and choosing not to accept it anymore. And why would you do that? Because you believe now…what? What do you believe differently now than you did 6-8 months ago?
Well, I believe I am more worthy than I used to…overtly; but underlying, I realized Sunday that it’s still there.
But what does the little bit of belief that you hang onto that you are worthy what is it based on?
I don’t know.
Well, maybe that’s where the problem comes in...is that you’re trying under your own will; you are not basing it on anything. You’re just trying to do it under your will…that I’m just going to believe differently. It’s kinda like going on a diet and deciding I’m going to lose weight by just not eating…and I’ll do it with my willpower…I have great willpower…until you go all day long without eating and you’re starving and can’t stand it anymore…
And you eat the entire house.
Right. Okay, it’s kinda like that. What are you basing this belief on? What’s changing your mind about yourself?
I think it’s been this process.
In what way?
I guess just hearing for one of the few times in my life that “you are worth something“. You tell me God thinks I’m worth something.
Okay but do you…well, I can sit here and tell you that…
Do I believe it? Some days I do and some days I don’t.
Okay, which, for the most part, we all can say that, you know. But that’s the process of…if you go through each and every experience that you can think of, at the end of processing and talking about it, I can say you’re worthy, you deserve it, you’re special, you’re loved, God loves you. All of that doesn’t matter. I mean, all of these things that you experience doesn’t matter. The truth is, God loves you period. Whatever message you got from that is not true. But you have to base that…I mean whether I tell you that 100 times or 10,000 times, it’s not going to make any difference until you get to a point where you know who God is and accept what he’s offering and accept the grace. Are you a perfect person? Have you done anything wrong? Have you sinned? Absolutely. Like me. Like the rest of us. We fall short of the grace of God. We all have. But somewhere down the line we’ve got to accept the gift he’s offering. We can’t change the past. We can’t make it go away, but realize it doesn’t really matter. That the self-hatred or self-effacing or whatever it is you feel when you think of the past whether its because of something somebody did to you or something you did, you’ve got to…when you think of that…what comes to your mind? Is it, you know, I can’t believe I did that, I can’t believe they did that to me, I hate myself, I’m worthless? Or does it…what comes to your mind is…I can’t believe the grace of God and I can’t believe that he loves me and accepts me just the way I am. There’s nothing that I have to do; there’s nothing that I have to prove.
Well maybe I just don’t believe that.
Well, what’s going to cause you to believe it?
I don’t know.
Nothing. It’s one of those things…just like; maybe we look at it like this: when somebody does something to us, something harmful, painful…we look at it as we…that causes us to feel bad about ourselves, to lose ourselves.
Well, we choose to lose ourselves.
Well, not…we believe…we believe that it’s true. And we believe that if it is true, then the result is that I’m worthless, I’m unlovable, whatever our core belief is, okay. So we look at the opposite, God loving us, his grace, his mercy, how he feels about us, something has to cause us to believe that, something has to happen to cause us to believe that and like, you know, your mother being the way she was or the kids at school, whatever it was, there has to be a cause, and its not a cause, it’s what we…choose.
Then why don’t I just choose to be better?
I don’t know.
Then I can just magically heal myself.
No. You can’t heal yourself. Not from this. I can’t heal you from it. There’s only one source for that and it’s not magical. It’s truth. In my case, I just chose to accept it until I believed it. I chose to treat myself like it was true until I believed it.
I thought that was what I‘ve been doing.
Well, you stumble and fall; you’re a human being. Sunday was not a good day; you were sick.
Well, actually, all of last week was not good.
So when we have bad days, when we have bad weeks, we have a tendency to go back into the negative. But that’s kinda human nature. But it doesn’t…what we have to remember and accept is it doesn’t change anything. God is the same today, yesterday, and forever; he doesn’t have moods, he doesn’t have limitations, he’s slow to anger, the character of God is what we have to remember. Just because we don’t feel it or don’t believe it at the moment doesn’t make it…untrue. What we have to accept is that it is true, period. It doesn’t matter whether I’m having a good day or a bad day…it doesn’t matter whether my coworker has cussed me out or talked behind my back or said something ugly to me. I choose and I’m going to learn not to let other people…
Determine my self worth.
Exactly. Determine my value. My value doesn’t change, even when I do something wrong or stupid, my value stays the same.
That, I feel okay with. I’m not necessarily letting others do that to me anymore.
So you’re letting who or what do that to you?
Myself, I guess. Is there any other answer?
So you’re choosing to let your old belief system take over. I’m not worthy…
Yeah, because it’s not other people that’s causing me feel that way.
So why are you choosing that?
I don’t know.
Well I think that’s something you’ve got to discover. Why? You can say it’s because I believe I’m not worthy, but then you’re just in this vicious circle. You’ve got to take a step out of the circle and choose to do something different, choose to believe something different, choose to accept something different. What would happen if you began to believe you were worthy?
I would feel better, for one.
What else?
I would stand up for myself.
What else?
I’m not sure, but in a way, I feel like I’m doing that right now…
Okay.
…because you kinda blasted me at the beginning of the session and I’ve been off ever since. I don’t know…I just know that’s what I’ve already experienced.
Okay, that you can stand up for yourself.
And you (I) feel better (said in unison). Because, Lord knows, I did. And still do off and on.
Okay. So why would you ever avoid that?
I don’t know. It’s not logical to me.
Well, none of this is logical. Logically, why would we accept the negative instead of the positive?
I know one thing I’m trying to deal with that’s different from in the past is actually dealing with feelings. I don’t have much recent experience within the past couple of years dealing with feelings.
Okay, but what do you know about feelings?
That they can lie.
What else?
That they’re there.
And that you don’t base who you are on feelings…and maybe that’s what trips us up and I say us because I think that’s one of the hardest things for people to block out…because what’s my rule? Feelings are not good, not bad, not right, not wrong, they should never be ignored and they should never be left in charge. So we’re told, don’t ignore your feelings, but don’t leave them in charge. Well, what happens when we start concentrating on feelings? They kinda take over and we believe what we feel.
I guess the reason why I brought up what I brought up last week is because I feel…yes I feel, like there’s something there inside of me that needs to come out, for what it’s worth, I thought that could happen through grieving. I feel like there’s something that needs to be grieved, but I don’t exactly know what it is. That’s why it all came up last week. I still feel that way.
Then grieve.
*Evil look*
Don’t try to control when, where, how, and why.
When I was upset Sunday, I cried a little. Not sobbing, but I made sure I didn’t stifle it, I let it come. Lasted about 5 minutes and went away.
Well, that's okay.
I thought it was a start.
Exactly. Maybe not having expectations.
Right, I wasn’t trying to say last week that I need to cry here, per se. It needs to come out, wherever it does. I figure if I’m talking about stuff that hurts in here, then it’s likely that it would come out in here. Then I was trying to find out how it would be safe (wavery voice).
Why couldn't it...why wouldn't it be safe?
Because I've gotten used to people, places, period, not being safe.
Well, Chopin, what else do I have to do to get this...to you for you to feel safe?
There isn't. It's my problem. I know that.
Then take a chance, take a risk.
That's what was I was going to tell you, I realize that's what I'm going to have to do.
I think you are going to have to take lots of risks...and I think you've got to choose to take it whether you feel safe or not. Because you may not feel safe until you take that risk. And I want you to...eventually...not now...but I want you to take a risk somewhere where you don't feel safe because I want you to realize it's okay...
No matter what...
No matter what. That yes, don't let your feelings be in charge, but don't be afraid of them and that you have a right to them, no matter what anybody else thinks or says about them. Somebody else says, "You look weird when you cry." We all look weird when we cry, well I look weird after I cry, but we all look weird at some point in time, and if somebody thinks that...I mean, there's always somebody that's going to think we're weird, or that we look weird, or that we act weird, or that we are weird.

Stay tuned for our exciting conclusion (not really )...

Am I overreacting in being so triggered by this? Admittedly, there's still one more section to go, but...?