Relapsing is a thought that never occurred to me.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 16, I think it was. I believed I developed it at 12. I was always in therapy and on meds but I didn't really start recovering until 20 and I feel I was recovered by 22. I am now 24.

I have been happy and healthy during this time.

The past week or two I have been having panic attacks. I have had urges to hurt myself. I have been binge eating almost daily and to the point of being incredibly sick. I haven't been sexually destructive as I am married. But I have gotten extremely angry with my husband over absolutely nothing. I suddenly hate my siblings. I don't want to leave the house because I am hideous and I don't want to deal with everyone staring at me, thinking how fat I am.

This has started suddenly and severely.

If I didn't have my daughter I know that I would be covered in cuts right now.

Has anyone else relapsed? Was it this extreme this quickly?

I'm scared. Not scared that I will hurt myself or anyone else but scared. Scared of losing what I've worked so hard for. Scared of losing any moment in my toddler's precious life because I am too busy crying.

I think if it weren't for her, no, I know if it weren't for her I would be checking myself into a hospital right now. And I've only been hospitalized inpatient once.

I am currently looking for a new Dr. I had non-mental health issues a couple years back and didn't have insurance at the time. So they just kicked my family out of the practice this week for overdue bills.

My insurance requires a physicians referral to see a psychologist. So I'm working on seeing someone again, its going to take a while.

I need help.

"I can't be myself and I don't want to talk. Now I'm taking the cure so I can be quiet whenever I want."