I wonder what the heck I'm doing lately.

I'm barely eating, and either sleeping too much or too little (when I don't sleep a lot though, its hard to explain. Its like I'm hyper and my brain won't shut off even though my body is tired)

My moods are fluctuating in all the wrong directions and I'm winding up hurting people who are only trying to help me. Its not their fault, they try to be nice and help, saying that they are always there to listen. I said I'm not worth it, and now I'm afraid I hurt their feelings but I can't apologize. Its how I feel, no matter how cognitively distorted.

My new T is out of town next week and back the week after just to leave for three months for vacation. So I get to start AGAIN with someone new. She asked me if I needed to continue to see someone... What am I supposed to say? I can't say no, I'm afraid of what would happen if I don't have someone there to help. If I say yes though... I'm admitting defeat and saying I can't entirely help myself. Which sucks, because thats the mentality I've always had. I hate asking for help, its already thrust upon me because of the #(&$@ disability.

People are all telling me what to do (which is in my best interest, because I can barely make my own decisions lately)... but they ALL GIVE ME DIFFERENT *#&$*&@ ADVICE.

Lets tell Christina that she should move out of her current room with her toxic roomate and into another room. Or lets tell Christina to talk to her roomate and see if she can convince her to change. Or lets have her talk to her roomate and if she doesn't change, to move out. Or lets say to tough it out and just stay with the current roomate, but just to avoid her.

If you're not happy in university, you should drop out and go to college. If you're not happy in university, you should change degrees. If you're not happy in university you should just tough it out because it will get better.

(Those two, BTW are what is frustrating me the most right now).

I really just want to crawl into bed now and pretend like these problems will resolve themselves. But they won't. And I can't keep doing what I'm doing, because I'm already miserable enough. Keep pushing, and I'll fall over the edge and just disappear. I'll hide away until I feel well enough to come out, but I don't know how long that will be.

Its not supposed to be my job to care about other people and to help them solve their own problems. (What I was just told today). Just supposed to take care of myself. But why do I wind up feeling lousy when I do that?

I need my mask to protect myself, but the only way people are going to figure out how much all this junk is bothering me is by taking it down. Why does it have to be so darn hard?

/end venting.